Speely Freaking

Funny when depressed, boring when happy.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

Dance like no one is watching.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Fuck me like a bee just flew into your hair.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

He died doing what he loved.

Tweeting whilst driving on the highway.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

I feel physically sick watching this.

[ALBΞRT MacGloan @AlbertMacGloan]

What a piece of shit

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

My life insurance won’t pay out because I’m only dead on the inside.

[Melvin of York @MelvinofYork]

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

When you have a big beard and tattoos, and you see another guy with a big beard and tattoos, you give him “the look”

The look that says “Help me, please. I’m drowning in pussy and they just keep coming!”

He looks back with pure empathy “Sorry brother, I’m in the same boat.”

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

Yes, this is my “little twitter” now.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

I’ve forgotten to take my meds this morning and everything is out of kilter.

3 Tramadol on an empty stomach for lunch won’t fix all my problems, but it will keep the worst monsters at bay for a while.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

Clean sheets, dirty sex

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

“I’m so happy that my team won. In fact I feel so content that I might light some fires in the street and smash some shop windows.”

-Americans

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

Me: “Family meeting time! Gather around. Ok kids, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but we have to...”

Kids: “We like you. In fact we love you.”

Me: “Oh...”

[Princess Kim @RealPrincessKim]

People might think I'm "trying to be sexy" or "making an effort," but really, I just put on lots of eyeliner so I don't cry about parenting.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

Get yourself a fridge with benefits.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

Me: *screaming*

Fireman: Is there someone in the burning house?

Me: My boyfriend. He’s under the bed. SAVE HIM!

Fireman: *returns, charred & breathless* I’m sorry, all I found was a shoebox under your bed, containing a vibrator.

Me: YOU SAVED HIM ❤️❤️❤️

[Princess Kim @RealPrincessKim]

My daughter swears she found my Twitter account but won't tell me what my user name is. Just in case: DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

She was drinking wine straight from the bottle, whilst smoking and driving her Rav4 in heavy traffic.

At 9am.

Surely someone knows her!
Do your magic twitter, find me my soul mate.

[Speely Freaking @SpeelyFreaking]

@CrystalWilly Plastic Operator.