Benny clam clam

living near bogs and playing with pogs

[Benny clam clam @ThaRealAntQueen]

Ham

[Garrett Richardson @GRichOrDieTryin]

Wish they would have taught me stuff I actually needed in home ec class. Like, if you’re in your 30’s and you don’t own a microwave you’ll have to reheat spaghetti in a pan.

[Sophia Benoit @1followernodad]

“Sure!”— me saying no to something I don’t want to do

[Benny clam clam @ThaRealAntQueen]

@GRichOrDieTryin Yes and.

He loaded the bullet into his potato gun. As he was an idiot, it was just a potato shaped like a gun, so the loading was more of a smushing into the ripe potato innards.

Is this how one improvs?

[Cesspool @pizzawhippets]

Help Desk: Would you like your confirmation number?

Me: sure

Help Desk: Great, it’s R7X395MM

Me, writing absolutely nothing down: great thanks

[JP @jpbrammer]

I will never “shut the fuck up about birds”

[COLiN BURGESS @Colinoscopy]

1 minute before the museum closes

[brent @murrman5]

[wife grabbing the kid’s suitcases] I fell in love with brent the dentist not brent the elvis impersonator
[me staying in character] now hold on there mama

[Liz Franczak @liz_franczak]

how do you dump someone who ghosts you

[Benny clam clam @ThaRealAntQueen]

@BamaLama00 That’s definitely hilarious. Fell off a stool myself the other day trying to be sweet by sliding a long distance

[Benny clam clam @ThaRealAntQueen]

How long before a Star Wars themed band called “The Bandalorian” takes the stage?

[Rajat Suresh @rajat_suresh]

yoga instructor: this is completely optional but if you can, from your headstand, lift up from your toes until you're literally floating in mid-air like a goddess. The rest of you can remain in Bitch Pose...(to me specifically) you can be in Little Baby Bitch Pose if you want...

[JP @jpbrammer]

“if you like your healthcare plan you should be able to keep it” I actively want revenge on mine

[GL @gldivittorio]

2015: I don't even know if I believe in true love anymore

2019: I don't even know if I believe in the rule of law applying to those in power anymore

[ava 🇵🇸 @wownicebuttdude]

thinking about how ryan gosling was supposed to play the dad in "the lovely bones" but he thought the character should be overweight so he started drinking melted haagen dazs ice cream instead of water and showed up to set 60 pounds heavier and got fired on the spot