Laura Salvas

Writer and comedian who works in TV but not yet as a writer or comedian. Known for @DeadDetectives, @TwoWeirdLadies and @Fridurday. A lady George Costanza.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

Your baby is someone to love, care for and make loud passive aggressive remarks to about other people’s behaviour.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

It’s just that I hate Doug Ford SO MUCH. Normally I’d produce a sketch revue about it. Actually, I did when he ran for mayor. Sadly, had he won that race we wouldn’t be in the provincial hellscape we are today...

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

@AndersYates @MrIanMacIntyre I also deleted the app (12 months ago) and am also magically reading this and replying to it on my phone. Perhaps I need to ask a complete stranger to reset my password and vow to never cross my path again.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

@ericagellert I honestly feel so awful for everyone who cannot pull their kids out of daycare and everyone who works in a daycare. It’s a travesty that teachers and childcare workers are not a higher priority. I am so sorry.

[Jennifer Keesmaat @jen_keesmaat]

Screenshot for the ages.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

@_CJWalker @SmeatonPotatoes I legit can’t wait for this.

[Josh Matlow @JoshMatlow]

Along with opening local mass centers and providing vaccines to pharmacies, Ontario should send mobile vaccination units to NORCs (naturally occurring retirement communities), schools, factories, shelters, the home bound & more. Let’s approach this like a public health emergency.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

My thoughts on Easter, a coming of age story.

1984-1995: Free candy on Easter? Amazing!

1996-2007: Discounted candy on Tuesday? Amazing!

2008-2020: Discounted candy on Tuesday? I am filled with regret.

2021: My kid ate a bunch of full price candy. I am filled with regret.

[Lisa Gilroy @TheLisaGilroy]

I should think about how things sound before I say them https://t.co/hvgDR8KL8Z

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

Is teenagers getting covid and trying to hide it from their parents the new teenagers getting pregnant and trying to hide it from their parents?

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

Honestly just looking forward to the next step in Ontario's pandemic plan.

[Josh Matlow @JoshMatlow]

Ontario needs a new Premier and a new Chief Medical Officer. Now.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

So, wait - is Doug Ford trying to tell us Toronto’s numbers are so high only because he opened patios for two weeks? Am I missing something?

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

Doug Ford made his announcement today so he can make believe that everyone who says, “Doug Ford is an incompetent excuse of a leader who has grossly mismanaged every element of this pandemic” is silently following such sentiment with, “April Fools! Doug Ford good!”

[Josh Matlow @JoshMatlow]

So, it’s not a “lock down”, it’s a “shut down”. And we’re in the gray zone. But gray is the new red, or partially? And we didn’t need to send the requested bag to school with our kids today to collect their shoes. And March break, in April, is still on. OK. Couldn’t be clearer.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

Was just thinking about how packed together we all were two years ago at the Raptors parade, then remembered how loudly Doug Ford was booed.

Maybe he just wants to draw the pandemic out so we can’t collectively boo him so loudly again?

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

@jwPencilAndPad This is legitimately the greatest tweet I have ever read.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

The real monster is the person compelled to tell you Frankenstein is actually the scientist.

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

No one:

Me: Ugh! ‘No one:’ in front of a blank means nobody is saying nothing. It should be ‘Everyone:’ as that would mean nobody is saying anything!

No one: Wow, you’re right. This is retrospectively very obvious and we will stop meme-ing this forever.

Everyone: No one:

[Laura Salvas @TheSalvatron]

@NotAmandaJoy Reading drafts and watching cuts brought the purest happiness to me in my job. Second Jen will always have an incredibly dear place in my heart. Congrats on and thanks for the three amazing seasons ❤️