Mike Murphy

Local Comedian, Global Joke.

not all who wander are lost, but I definitely am.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

If she's *your* girl, why am *I* in her gimp cage.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

I think my frontal lobe is done developing. I just turned my TV volume to 19 and left it there because it sounded right.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

I don't even talk trash about sports anymore. I just send a cashapp request when my team wins

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

If anybody wants to send me like $2700 for my 27th birthday today the 27th, my cashapp is $mikemurphmoney

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

Happy 3 year anniversary of my roommates going viral while I was asleep

[Xer Mx-a-Lot @creamcorndog]

Late night snack!! 😋😋😋😋

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

@Bulgogi___papi rOAST bEEF

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

I'm basically Coach Prime

[Oppenhouzer @OMGitsHouzer]

I’m just trying to edit but @The_MikeMurphy keeps yelling at me!

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

Shana Tova. I dropped a shot of vodka into a glass of manischewitz. Have something to atone for.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

@WhiteClaw Natural Lime tastes like waking up first at a sleepover.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

Jupiter with yamulke.

[Black Hole @konstructivizm]

Hubble Captures Vivid Auroras in Jupiter’s Atmosphere

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

It be the most homophobic lookin dudes peepin through the crack of the stall while I'm shitting. Bro. The door is closed. Stop looking at my dick. 🙄

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

If some dude doctor says you need a man's permission to get sterilized I'll lie and pretend to be your fiancé

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

Is your asshole

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

I love my job because I walked around all day and asked my coworkers if they thought their asshole was on them or in them and all I got were answers.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

Real fear is hearing the person in the stall next to you use a plunger.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

Watching Whiplash(2014), Jim: that's right Andrew, put your whole autisussy into it.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

The Ussification of Language will be our downfall.

[Mike Murphy @The_MikeMurphy]

@MaxwellHopkin11 Ew

[Xer Mx-a-Lot @creamcorndog]

boofed weed for the first time and now my bussy has cottonmouth