ryan.

that’s pretty neat.

[ryan. @TherapistNotes]

For the record, my @ is: Therapist Notes. It's not: The Rapist Notes.

That one was already taken.

[ɢʀɛɛռ ɢօɖ @iGreenGod]

A man walks in holding a duck and says to his wife, "This is the pig I’ve been sleeping with."

Wife: "That’s a duck."

Man: "I’m not talking to you."

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

*my ancestry advisor checks & then double checks his notes until he finally sighs, shakes his head & looks up at me*
you’re right. you are related to air bud.

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

me, being eaten by a shark: could you not do that, please.
the shark: why do you taste like chicken?

[Amelia @amelia_tweetz]

Watching the World Cup has me asking questions. Do Europeans get issued 8 weeks of vacation, unlimited airline miles, and a trust fund at birth? Because every match I turn on there are 40,000 fans following their team to a different state or country on a Tuesday afternoon while Americans are hiding in a work bathroom checking scores.

[Cameron Bradford @camerobradford]

[Trying to do a yo mamma joke but I’m too empathetic]

*tenderly grasping your hand*

Is your mother still struggling with her weight?

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

I'm gunna get some burritos you want one
"get me a couple bags"
what?
"did you say burritos or Doritos?"
burritos
"ya get me a couple bags"

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

Pronouncing Grimace like Versace so the people at this McDonald’s think I’m sophisticated

[teen vampire, aged 40 @witchesflight]

Happy Father’s Day to my dad. A few years back, I got an awful haircut and I was crying about it, and he came into my room and said “u have no idea how easy your life is. Do you know how hard it was for black female scientists in the 50s/60s?” (He just watched Hidden Figures)

[Woods @thestevenwoods]

Happy Bruh's Day to all of you guys who can't remember the last time your kids called you "Dad"

[l feII in Dior @LIRIO_AG]

“Ay no, tarjeta gris otra vez”.

[sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy]

My evening self needs to stop making commitments for my morning self. They don't even like each other.

[‏ً @omgsidewalks]

clothes too dirty for the closet, but too clean for laundry.
welcome to: the chair

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

Me: But Your Honor the plaintiff put *ketchup* on a Chick-fil-A sandwich!
Judge: Case dismissed. *bangs gavel*

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

preacher at my funeral signals for everyone to put on their 3D glasses

[David Keyes @DavidMKeyes]

I, too, have decided not to build nukes in exchange for $300 billion

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

My drug dealer cracks me up

[Vivian @suchnerve]

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

me: our dog has a chip in her. sorry, our dog has some chips on her. i spilled chips on our dog. haha, actually, we don’t have a dog. i ate some chips, though. yesterday. no salsa.
judge: juror number four, you can go home.

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

[campfire]

and before cell phones we had to call our friends house's

*kids gasp*

sometimes their parents answered

*one kid throws up*