Twips2

I was @TwopTwips' friend. But then he wrapped a bar of soap in a towel and bashed up me legs when I was asleep. I'm also, very occasionally, @doctorcamel.

[Charlotte Levin @tinycharlotte72]

I know I’ve mentioned this before but until I die I shall continue to mention the date who jumped out of my car at traffic lights and ran away.

[Sacha Coward @sacha_coward]

Me: Can I put a poster up for Stroud Pride?
Shop Owner: Sure! That’s for the gays isn’t it?
Me: It’s for everyone!
Shop Owner: Are you..
Me: ...yes I’m...
Shop Owner: Do you know anything about wind chimes?
Me: I...
Shop Owner: Or is that lesbians?

[Twips2 @Twips2]

LEAVE a public toilet as you’d expect to find it by smearing your shit up the walls and pissing on the floor.
(via @Woof_the_wolf)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

GENTS. If you see a lady who’s upset let her know you’re concerned by asking her if it’s her haircut that’s making her sad. @Bigshirtlesscol

[Twips2 @Twips2]

TRICK your wife into thinking the table’s died by simply turning it upside down. (via @simonn52)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

CONVINCE PEOPLE you’ve just done 8 years in prison by lighting a cigarette in a pub, and acting surprised at the outcome (via @eddieunwin)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

PARENTS. Easily teach your children fractions by getting them to buy your weed. (via @vinharris)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

A HOLLOWED OUT French stick is ideal for smuggling dildos into libraries. (via @Theneilegan)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

MAKE your own Sunderland head coach by pouring custard and brandy on your penis. (via @mrfavus)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

DRUG DEALERS. Improve your users' teeth by adding fluoride to crystal meth. (via @vinharris)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

CONVINCE VETS you need to remain off-grid by arriving at their surgery with a gunshot wound and demanding they "patch you up"
@eddieunwin

[Twips2 @Twips2]

LADS on Tinder. Try using "Hello" as a greeting instead of the usual "can i cum on ur tits". You might get a reply. (via @SteveSparshott)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

BEARD-WEARERS. Check no one has made off with your beard by stroking it every 30 seconds or so. (via @SaliBerisha1)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

FOOL people into thinking you've been abroad by posting a picture of the rain and saying "Back in good old Blighty - 16c" (via @StooElvin)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

CONVINCE people they're wearing a hat by shouting "I like your hat!" at them. (via @bertnews)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

SEE people die of anger by getting a dog and naming it Bae. (via @sligboi)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

CREATIVELY placed human faeces make ideal & humorous "fake dog poo" (via @Cooombsy)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

CONVINCE people you're Greg Rutherford by complaining about your PE kit and jumping in some sand. (via @YPwca)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

PRETEND you're in your own first class compartment on a train by sitting in the toilet for the entire journey.
(via @IanJonno)

[Twips2 @Twips2]

PRETEND you're at Tokyo's Shibuya Junction by looking at a regular pedestrian crossing through a kaleidoscope. (via @nickdaniels)