Twisted Parents

Surviving with Sarcasm. Visit our online store/blog, follow #twisted_parents, and find us on Instagram & Facebook too! 💋

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

[Interviewing for a new position]

FBI: I see here that you’re a ... nurse? Ma’am, frankly I see nothing on your resume that qualifies you for a position with our bomb squad...

Me: I’m in charge of bedtime negotiations with my 4yr old.

FBI: Holy shit. Welcome aboard, Ma’am.

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

Buying Crafting Kits for Your Kids: A Haiku

A word about craft kits
For parents who don’t yet know
Don’t effing do it.

*Inspired by the purchase of paintable beehive wind chime/bird feeder combos for kids who didn’t care to get it past the wet paint stage.

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

@Mom_of_theYear We get past the stage where small children are glued to us and 100% dependent on us to survive, only to move into the “Mama, are you and Daddy BOTH supposed to shave your face?” stage 😒 Ludicrous.

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

Hey! Welcome to 40! Let me show you around: We’ve got lotions for dry skin, potions for wrinkles, serum for hair loss, hot wax for when-did-this-happen-hair,
anti-inflammatories, pro-biotics…*inhales* and then on to the prescription section for your high BP, BMI, cholesterol…

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

@nursekelsey I don’t know why this isn’t a board game for family gatherings, but it should be!

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

Believing you are ✨ perfect ✨ is not a display of confidence.

Confidence is the ability to admit you are ✨ imperfect ✨ and to make changes as YOU see fit.

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

Am I watching the Super Bowl tonight? Yes.

Am I watching it solely because I’m 36yrs old and the Half Time Show is going to give me life? Also yes.

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

Get you a husband that volunteers to take all the kids to pick up your grocery order because you’re touched-out, over-stimulated & need 5mins of silence. They’re just the greatest kind.

[Not the Nanny @not_thenanny]

Parenting Expert: Give your toddler choices so they feel like they have control

Me: Would you like to get dressed or eat breakfast first?

My Toddler: GIMME THE IPAD

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

If you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday, I’m a size 3 night getaway 🥺

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

We endured a 10-day quarantine. All 3 kids were sick. I was sick. It was chaos. Schedules were out the window. Everyone was covered in snot & not always their own. The light at the end of the tunnel, Day 11, was drawing near…

…And they HECKIN’ CANCELED SCHOOL 😫

#sendbooze

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

Hubs w/COVID: isolated to the bedroom, rests without interruption, meals and meds are delivered. 5 day illness.

Me w/COVID: all 3 kids get it too, we’re lining up meds like shots on a Friday night, no one is sleeping, everyone is covered in snot. 14 day illness. And counting.

[Mike @Parentpains]

Parenting is waking up at sunrise every day regardless of the day because your kids wake up at sunrise every day regardless of the day.

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

New Year, New Me - Day 4:
Whilst admiring my physique and wondering to myself if I’d lost a pound or two yet, the 6yr old asked why my stomach is still big “like when the baby was in your belly”.

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

Looking at a sink full of dirty dishes thinking it looks like a whole lot of next year’s problems.

[That Mom Tho @mom_tho]

despite my husbands vasectomy every month if my period is half a day late i have officially decided it failed

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

@wildrainbow2 @LifePitts

[3 Wild Rainbows @wildrainbow2]

You can't scare me, you're not my toddler walking around with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

[Twisted Parents @Twisted_Parents]

Sorry I’m late, I was sitting in my car listening to Crime Junkies podcast and couldn’t get out until I knew the murderer was in prison.