Mike

Don’t worry, you’d hate me in real life too. My Tweets are in the link👇

[Mike @Parentpains]

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

[Mike @Parentpains]

@eleniZarro @MaximusTremblay I’m not above slapping someone with an omelet

[Mike @Parentpains]

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

[Mike @Parentpains]

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

[Mike @Parentpains]

@_indica_sky Umm my friend was wearing a yellow shirt when all of that happened so you shouldn’t like yellow. 😉😂

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Whoever came up with the term ‘terrible twos’ obviously didn’t have any children older than two.

[SD @StupiDucker]

Me: so Tiki Barber was a football player, does that mean a Tiki Footballplayer is out there cutting hair?

Her: why do you speak?

[Mike @Parentpains]

@_glizzyborden_ You look great

[Mike @Parentpains]

@canadaslady2 We going swimming?

[Mike @Parentpains]

@eleniZarro They should ELL I would dread me too

[Mike @Parentpains]

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

[eLeni @eleniZarro]

Why don’t we ever see people kissing in trees? I mean there’s a famous song about it

[eLeni @eleniZarro]

interviewer: give me an example of how you handled a high anxiety situation

me: I just watched you put your unlocked phone in your pocket and I didn’t say a word

[S̲uper H̲uman A̲utomated Y̲odeler @_indica_sky]

My boss: there are no stupid questions.

Me: challenge accepted.

[Heatherhere 👽 @Heatinblack]

20s: my eyes are up here
40s: my boobs are down here… no, lower

[cella @cellapaz]

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

[Mike @Parentpains]

@canadaslady2 Help with paperwork is always appreciated 😂

[Jason Not Evil @JasonNotEvil]

Detective: and when we ask your boss, they'll say you were at work during the time of the murder?

Me: wait, you can do that?

[Shade 5 🎬 @Shader70]

It’s a crime that work is forcing me to wear pants. You can’t cover these calves. You don’t throw a tarp over the Mona Lisa.

[Kellalena @topaz_kell]

If these walls could talk, they’d remind me why I walked into this room.

[진아 @EdgarPoop1]

Twitter is ouija for reaching people who are dead inside