Jeremy Wetzel

Harbinger of Breath. Destroyer of Words. Perspiring comic book writer. Rhythm Logarithms. Synth Savant.

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

@papamitts Ha! I saw this too...it’s true. But Browns fans in general have no shame. HA!

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

Devil: Here's the deal. I'll sustain your success as a pop star, as long as I can keep adding tattoos to your face.
Post Malone: What's the catch?
Devil: ...I'll get to choose whatever the HELL I want. It'll look so random and goofy.
Post Malone: Deal!!

[Julz&©️offee @lovejulieacafe]

Would it be considered in poor taste if I asked MC Hammer if we can touch it now?

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

Frontier Airlines: Sir what are you doing?
Me: Taking a picture of this tender moment between my wife and son.
Frontier Airlines: That will be $25 dollars sir, and we only accept credit card.

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

I know God has a sense of humor because he gave me 3 boys but still allowed them to scream like little girls.

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

@papamitts Cleveland vs Philly in the Super Bowl. Mark it on your calendar! 😂😭

[Zack Bornstein @ZackBornstein]

To gun nuts saying cars are just as dangerous, this is what registering a car looks like. There’s a class and a test, too. It sucks, but you can do it if you’re sane.

#DMVforGuns

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

[Heavy metal producer in a recording session]
I want to hear some really over-driven vocals. Approach the mic like a senior citizen trying to Skype.
No, closer and more frustrated, bordering on anger...
Nailed it!

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

I'm going to plant two shrubs really close to one another so I can watch them battle for land supremacy for the next 20 years.

[Frank Lesser @sadmonsters]

If someone asked us 2 years ago to guess which billionaire would be president and which one would somehow get a car stuck in space, we'd have all been wrong

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

Popeye loves to cook, but he gets pissed off every time he reads a recipe that uses Olive Oil. His crusade against cannibalism seems like it's never ending.

[Scott Linnen @ScottLinnen]

Thank heavens all my money's in cattle. I'm a dairy heir. A huge one.

[olive @offbeatoliv]

Vin Diesel's real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

If you don't believe shrink-ray guns exist, consider the fact that string ensembles used to consist solely of cellos.

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

@michaeldambold Well for starters, the only day of the week you can join is on...sundae.

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

Welcome to the ice cream club. It's a sorbet soirée.

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

I prefer women with facial hair, because they have a better chance of surviving a harsh winter.

[Emo Kylo Ren @KyloR3n]

no hux
i definitely have a girlfriend
we speak with our minds
she has a magic cave where she does syncopated snapping
and she’s super good with a lightsaber and like so strong with the force
no i don’t know her last name
but she definitely isn’t made up

[Jeremy Wetzel @WetzelGeek]

Dear Kim Jong Un,
Please take note that you are the more reasonable person in this rivalry.
Sincerely,
The People of the United States