Condescending Wonka

I'm terribly condescending.. to women as well as men. That's chauvinistic and it bothers you? I'm so, so sorry sweetheart. Maybe it's time you got a life.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

I hate when people say, 'I need my beauty sleep..' Sorry bitch, but you need to hibernate.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

So I put your phone on 'Airplane Mode' and threw your phone up in the air. Worst Transformer Ever. Just saying.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Oh, so you use Charmin Extra Soft? Your ass must be super clean, and dingleberry free.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

I saw Stephen Hawking placing an order in McDonalds earlier. I thought, 'That must be the first time they've served a vegetable here.'

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Oh, money over bitches? Please, tell me more about how you have neither of those.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Internet attention span: Open a new tab. Forget why.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Sure the weed whacking is done but now we have no phone or internet.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Dancing With the Stars should change it's name to 'Dancing With Who The Hell Are These People?'

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

I'm sorry. I just assumed that if you wanted this project done quickly, you wouldn't have assigned it to me.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Beer is now cheaper than gas, so Go Drink! Don't Drive!

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

If a girl is bad at parking, it's only because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity? Listen, either it does or it doesn't, stop wasting my time!

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Oh, you tweet your horoscope? Tell me how sexual, caring and unique you are.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs! - Said by no one. Ever.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Oh, you know what condescending means. You must be quite the scholar.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

A girl just texted me: 'thespacebuttonbrokeonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' Does anybody know what 'ternative' means?

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Oh, you Photoshop together unrelated memes? You are so innovative.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

It's all fun and games until someone loses a tooth. Then it's hockey.

[Condescending Wonka @WittyWiIIy]

Oh, you party like a rockstar? Please, play me a song and show me your tour bus after your shift at Taco Bell is over.