AboveTheDave

Host of “The Lot Scene Podcast”.
Comedian. Check out my albums “When I Live My Dream” and “Toxoplasma Gondii”

[AboveTheDave @_daverankin_]

I’m half Jewish so it’s only four nights for me.

[clare @sadderlizards]

"you have such great energy" thank you i am on stimulants

[Danny Polishchuk @Dannyjokes]

I ask for Coke and they tell me they don’t have any

[۟ @4NGELWING]

no bro don’t buy airpods. you need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

We had to smoke out of soda cans with screens from a sink faucet and blow into a toilet paper roll filled with dryer sheets so Gen Z could hit a weed pen at Target

[Count Dankula @CountDankulaTV]

The Afroman Trial.

-Cops raid Afromans house for bullshit reasons.
-Steal money, break his door, fuck his house up.
-No criminality found whatsoever, no charges at all pressed on Afroman.
-Afroman spends the next 3 years making songs that make fun of all the officers involved by name, even using footage of the raid from his own CCTV cameras.
-Songs had titles like "Randy Walters is a son of a bitch" and "Lick Em Low Lisa" accusing one of the officers of being a lesbian and sleeping with the other officers wives.
-During the raid one officer looked like he was about to eat some lemon pound cake sitting on Afromans counter, Afroman made a whole album calling the officer fat.
-The cops get mad and file a lawsuit for defamation.
-Afroman turns up to court in a whole American flag suit.
-Officers performatively mald and cry while listening to the songs really trying to oversell how badly the songs upset them.
-One officer was suing because Afroman made a whole song about him saying he was fucking the officers wife. When the officer was asked if Afroman was really fucking his wife, he said "I don't know". Nuking his own case and establishing that there is a non-zero chance that Afroman might actually be fucking his wife.
-As his only witness for the trial, Afroman brought a deputies EX FUCKING WIFE.
-The jury ruled completely in favour of Afroman.

This entire thing has been a great win for free speech and absolutely fucking hilarious.

[Brown Eyed Girl @Browneyes5152]

I've faced more peer pressure to eat protein as an adult than I did to take drugs in my teens.

[Donald @_donaldishim]

It would be cool if, after you died, you could see the top five times you almost died.

[👑 Royal Intel @RoyalIntel_]

FBI: We are releasing the alien files.

The files:

[Thomas Massie @RepThomasMassie]

They’ve deployed the ultimate weapon of mass distraction, but the Epstein files aren’t going away… even for aliens.

[AboveTheDave @_daverankin_]

Have we tried turning the country off and turning it back on again?

[Brown Eyed Girl @Browneyes5152]

Opening the microwave door one second early because you don't need all that hooting and hollering.

[The Lincoln Project @ProjectLincoln]

Pam is to Trump as Ghislaine is to Jeff.

[Hoodlum 🇺🇸 @NotHoodlum]

I didn’t realize we don’t pursue pedophiles if the stock market is doing well. Thank you, Pam Bondi, for that clarification.

[ThePatrioticBlonde™🇺🇸 @ImBreckWorsham]

Pam Bondi says America will "collapse" if what's truly in the Epstein files were to be released.

Bitch, is that supposed to be FOREPLAY?

Fuck this government.

BURN THE MOTHERFUCKER DOWN.

[Andrew Solender @AndrewSolender]

my takeaway from the super bowl ads is that the entire american economy is being propped up by AI, weight loss drugs, cryptocurrency and gambling

[NFL Memes @NFLMemes]

“Worst halftime performance ever”

[Rohan Nadkarni @RohanNadkarni]

This is incredibly cool — A source familiar with Bad Bunny’s performance tonight tells me that the couple in the halftime show got married for real.

They invited Bad Bunny to their wedding and in turn he invited them to get married during his performance.

[Super 70s Sports @Super70sSports]

He’s already gained more yards than the Patriots.

[AboveTheDave @_daverankin_]

That was fantastic

[Three Year Letterman @3YearLetterman]

You can’t roll up a Bitcoin and use it to snort cocaine