Eva 🥀

You may also know me from Stephanie Harper’s neck tattoo. Former youngest female in the world.

[Eva 🥀 @_evamalcolm_]

Oh to be in a hot country with a four thousand pound gold chain and a new set of teeth

[Eva 🥀 @_evamalcolm_]

Next groat headline: “local man in critical condition after snorting contents of Dunnet mystery barrel”

[Eva 🥀 @_evamalcolm_]

Overheard at the till in Tesco today: “have you seen the price of milk?! I’d take thatcher back over this!” Astounding take.

[Whores of Yore @WhoresofYore]

If anyone is unsure of what to do for a Christmas starter, how about a Candle Salad? It was once a popular American dish in the 1920s. You stand a banana, with a maraschino cherry in end (the flame) in a pineapple ring, & dribble mayonnaise / cream down the sides to look like wax

[jame @kloogans]

medieval dick must've smelled like old bologna idk how people made it through that

[Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91]

And there I was, at 21, broken that I'd never hear my sister laugh again. I held her limp hand, my eyes playing cruel tricks as I swore I saw her breathe. In that moment, all I could think about was the lava cake we'd bake together. For this recipe, you'll need a double boiler.

[Eva 🥀 @_evamalcolm_]

Could really do with one of my long lost Nigerian cousins dying and leaving me 20 million

[Eva 🥀 @_evamalcolm_]

@HanVonWolf These are sexual, a proper ganzy.

[belén @tameimpalamusic]

GOT FLOOR TICKETS FOR PARAMORE, LET’S GO! SUICIDE POSTPONED!

[tyler woodward @tyler02020202]

you should quit your job so you have more free time to hang out

[dana donnelly @danadonnelly]

im gonna start a service where i, a 27 year old (wise) help 23 year olds (naive) figure out if their boyfriend is a loser or not before they waste their mid 20s w him

[cory @coolmathgame_]

my halloween costume is going to be guy drinking beer… guy drinking several beers actually

[Big Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad]

I went to the silly goose convention and they all knew you

[Eva 🥀 @_evamalcolm_]

When Matt Bellamy said we are fucking fucked I really felt that

[Porter @ItsRetrop]

“oh sorry i just saw your text”
- me with a screen time of 11 hours per day

[hannah jo @whoahannahjo]

i used to date a guy who hated my twitter with a burning passion because it was “unintelligent humor”. one time he had a meltdown and nearly broke up with me because i tweeted “egg” and it got 200 likes

[Sam Winkler @ThatSamWinkler]

The Slut Era is over. The Time of the Orc has come.

[Jenni @hashjenni]

October is next week?? time flies by when your life is falling apart

[Ben Crew @BenjaminCrew1]

Bout to have the best sleep of my life