Roli

[Roli @_lijr_th]

Blackadder: I’m as angry as a wasp, with a degree in being angry, from anger town university!

Dads: This is the funniest fucking shit I’ve ever seen.

[Aidan James @mcandidate]

walk past here and shout "Ollie" and half the crowd will turn round

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

“wait a second… Heat rises” (it hits me) “heat rises!”

Bank teller on floor: what?

“Heat rises!”

(I rush at the armed robber and he shoots me in the face killing me instantly. It’s unclear what my plan was)

[Lord Sugar @Lord_Sugar]

you are bald

[Lord Sugar @Lord_Sugar]

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[Law in Japan @Colin_P_A_Jones]

@RGA This is Major Tom to tech support
I’m clicking on the tab
But it’s acting in a most peculiar way
And the menu ribbon looks quite different today

[Famous Complainer @RunComplainer]

Hello @AldiUK quick question, how come you have sold me a can of Professor Peppy weighing 203 ml, including the can. Just fresh out the box and still sealed

[Yohann Koshy @Yohannk]

Overheard your boyfriend at a party last night telling people that the only paper he subscribes to is the FT. “The capitalist class speak honestly among themselves. It’s my duty as a communist to read it.” Everyone was really impressed by this, each and every time he said it.

[Chris Evangelista @cevangelista413]

And Tiny Tim, who did NOT die…his feet are light and nimble. He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He dances in light and in shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps, Tiny Tim. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.

[Gwdihŵ 🦉 @youwouldknow]

2 more days till big annual leave ✨

[John Attridge @John_Attridge]

A university is so much more than its bricks and mortar facilities. It is also an eduroam network with intermittent access

[hb @h3xenbrenner2]

(being interviewed about my novel) that character is a composite of several women i've known over the course of my life that had a profound effect on me and also master chief from halo

[Eren 💋 @erenfromtargets]

cavemen describing what a elephant is to their tribe after encountering them for the first time

[c @rayofvenuss]

The Pope to return to the Vatican

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

Currently stuck in a loop of being parried and crit by a fruit fly

[alli @sonofalli]

babe are you ok? it’s already q4 and you’ve barely touched your “2025 roadmap”

[big duntles @biglunty]

hate it when the train warns me about taking luggage on the escalators. just focus on the tracks son you leave the stairs to me

[Kyle @kylofone]

hi i'm a horror director and the scariest thing i can imagine is an old woman

[Ed @ted_pen]

i also sent out an email this morning inviting everyone to my party but no one has replied or even commented on it. sick of this factional bullshit tearing us apart