Abbey

that’s a funny trick to play on god

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

List of questions to ask on a first date:

-Who killed JonBenét Ramsey
-Is Jamie Lannister good or evil
-What element would you bend if u couldn’t be the avatar
-Favorite dinosaur & why
-Which mythology is better greek or norse
-Allergic to dogs yes or no

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

from the bottom of my heart, with the utmost respect, if you’ve posted an instagram story this week that wasn’t your spotify wrapped: you have wasted my time.

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

@BHS_peggy a 1am proposal wow really out here makin my twitter timeline a better place rn

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

i just want to dramatically disappear without involving hair dye is that too much to ask

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

my phone: *constantly on do not disturb*

me: *randomly sad for no identifiable reason wanting to cathartically shut out the entire world and every possible human interaction*

me: …i could… also put my phone on silent? lock the porch door…? unblock.. & then reblock my ex?

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

today’s update: every year @BHS_peggy sends me this exact photo I don’t remember him taking

unrelated note: peggy, for my wedding I’m gonna make you print this onto your tie for the night (just to make it substantially harder for you to sleep with my other bridesmaids)

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

my head says intelligent sweetheart with a MacBook but my heart says pompous ass with a PC so I can sit near him in silence and play zoo tycoon

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

my sister: “you look orange”
my internal demons yelling at me every time I lay in the sun for hours on end when I should be cleaning my house bc will I ever really look ~that~ tan: *finally silenced*

[twilight renaissance | fanpage @twilightreborn]

😭

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

-being able to run in heels
-those thongs that sit up high on your hips like a V shape (can’t explain this one)
-breakup songs
-tattoos that only show when you wear that one bikini
-eyelash curlers
-shoving our perpetually cold feet under whoever is sitting next to us

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

things that make me feel more powerful than men:

-crying on the way to plans but nobody noticing bc you fixed your mascara before getting out of the car
-cramps
-waxing your pubes instead of shaving
-having nails strong/long enough to make someone bleed
-doing yoga

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

-befriending, understanding, & navigating other females on top of “what’s on our own plate”
-knowing 1793 ways to get murdered in any dark parking lot & also knowing 8262 ways to yanno maybe avoid that
-being able to braid literally anything together ???
-IUDs

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

and now onto our regularly scheduled programming of avoiding studying for finals and finding a new manic obsession such as... reupholstering my couch

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

@ETHuggins20 @KingJames imagine being a 24yo white fanboy taking the time to tweet one of thousands of replies in the face of a social movement he doesn’t feel the importance of and thinking “yeah let me tag this celebrity! I’ll get through to him for sure!”

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

*can’t fall back asleep*

me: ok no music (stimulating), or snacking on the chips in the kitchen (takes too long) or showering (will have to dry hair)

me, suddenly determined to cause problems before dawn:

[David AttenBruh @AlHendiify]

What is a zookeeper if not a turd burglar

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

@MLiapopoulos Stop it I’ll cry

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

@sahrajo97 Without a damn doubt

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

you ever have a friend & then a few years go by & you start liking his ex girlfriend more than you ever liked him

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

@sahrajo97 Oh you’re one of them.

[Abbey @abbey5mcd]

being an emotional baby has stopped providing me with the attention i, like oxygen, so desperately crave. due to this predicament i’ve been forced to become more Exciting™. i have already begun to see promising results.