Candylicious

Twitter, the toilet paper I use to wipe away my thoughts. Not for Sale... kidding totally am.

[Candylicious @aka_candyman]

In a world where you can be anything ... just don’t be a dumbass.

[Candylicious @aka_candyman]

Some girls … even the Devil throws back

[Benny 'SF' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Twitter is great for when you like to be angry while you are relaxing.

[Paul Barbar @paulbarbar_II]

Got my second shot now. Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot.

[DE’AARON FOX WAS GAMBLING @SmediumYSLTees]

Y’all cyberattack everything but student loans and it’s so annoying. Focus.

[Trey @treydayway]

Almost 40 so think I'm finally old enough to play a student in a high school TV show

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Nothing delivers poetic justice to smug parents-to-be like a newborn.

[Daisy @Daisyldoo]

My phone charger cord is 10 feet long. I’m practically royalty.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

“Sure, fuck it” ~ Nicolas Cage when offered any Netflix movie role.

[WhatserName @IamEveryDayPpl]

A stranger just said hi to me and it feels weird to be dating again.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

God, grant me alcohol for the things I can't change, cocaine for the things I can, and weed to not care either way.

[Paul Barbar @paulbarbar_II]

I have a loving wife 😁

[Benny 'SF' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Of course I'm funny, I'm deeply unhappy.

[Paul Barbar @paulbarbar_II]

I texted my wife “You became wiser with age”. But autocorrect changed it to “You became wider with age”.

Goodbye Twitter.

[Jamila Robinson @JamilaRobinson]

When I say “last year,” I’m talking about 2019.

[Skoog @Skoog]

hate it when someone does you a favor and then lords it over you

[Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy]

I can be in the living room and I'd still be in my wife's way in the kitchen.

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

Johnson & Johnson out there making vaccines with their 'No More Fears' formula.

[Princess Bubblegum Butthole @bonita_bish]

I’d post a tit pic but my nipples won’t look at the camera at the same time.