Alone Mum

If you know me in real life, do piss off.

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

The ladies love me because I know my way around a kitchen. This, for example, is what’s known as a “stove.” *gestures to dish washer*

[Alone Mum @AloneMum]

@aliciakeys damn girl I knew you were going to be good but not like THAT! What an incredible gift. Thank you for the best gig ever x

[Pax Paxochka @Paxochka]

I've decided the "n" in men is silent and I'm pronouncing it "meh" from now on.

[Kevin The Lemon™ @TheLemon_]

If a random dog humps your leg aggressively,

Is a “walk of shame” required?

-Asking for a friend
*takes long cold shower*

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Aghh! Why do little paper cuts feel like someone is slicing your finger off? Don't tell me Accounting is not a dangerous profession.

[Alone Mum @AloneMum]

Oh my god Samantha Brick shut the fuck up. You’re not beautiful and you’re not interesting!

[JRGin @GinRumMe]

Aloe? Is it me you’re looking for?

-Sunburn

[JRGin @GinRumMe]

(Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.)

Text: Hey what are you up to?

[Jason @5oulhealer]

Lets Pretend to be cats and clean each others privates with our tongues

[Miss Stranger Danger @BigBec43]

What's the emoticon for gagging on my own vomit?

[Le Sigh @SharpeBytes]

If you spent as much time running your finger up and down your girl's hoohaw as you do your phone screen the payback would be worthwhile.

[Kendell Madden @KendellMadden]

I like to think that people aren't unfollowing me, but rather that their account was closed because they died.

[Alone Mum @AloneMum]

Why does my weight watchers point tracker not allow me to measure wine in bottles instead of glasses?

[ez @EZ_G]

Sometimes we're angels, sometimes we're cunts.
We should all remember this before we judge.

[Alone Mum @AloneMum]

Or snakes! Jesus…

[Alone Mum @AloneMum]

Don’t fucking tweet pictures of spiders! For fucks sake. That’s all. Thanks.

[Natasha @ShesAllNat]

Relationship Status: Just bought 6 cucumbers

[Alone Mum @AloneMum]

Dude! Don't email me. I was only looking at your profile because I couldn't believe how fucking ugly you are. It was a circus visit.

[n2o @1evilidiot]

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

[Alone Mum @AloneMum]

Funniest online dating profile I ever saw. My ex husband’s! Not a pie and pint man after all but an uber sporty windsurfing god.