Miss Stranger Danger

Never do for yourself what someone else can do for you...like speaking without supervision

[Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug]

If thoughts and prayers really worked, I know a few people who would've choked on a bag of dicks by now

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

[The Upside Down]

WILL: 🎶Should I stay or should I go now?🎶

THE MONSTER: How about you learn a new goddamn song

[KFX GOLD @TradeKFX]

I'm the toughest guy in this cake decorating class.

[The Notorious B.E.V. 🌈 @blade_funner]

[me as a 911 operator]

Oh, that happened to me once too.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

BARTENDER: *cleaning a mug* what'll it be?

ME: something cold

BARTENDER: your girlfriend thinks about your brother when you're having sex.

[Miss Stranger Danger @BigBec43]

Got my tax return today.
Really looking forward to buying my makeup from Walmart instead of the dollar store this time.

[Miss Stranger Danger @BigBec43]

Fox News ain't got nothing on Facebook the day after an election.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

[Miss Stranger Danger @BigBec43]

Sorry I wished you happy anniversary of our divorce but to be fair, it's still the best day of my life.

[Jan·da·līze ☆ @Jandalize]

I'm the hottest grandma in this Waffle House right now.
And I have the most teeth.

[Brad Broaddus @BradBroaddus]

I'm not sure who Ashley Madison is but my wife's been pacing ever since she was mentioned on the news.

[The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian]

When I was your age we had to meet real people & speak our tweets to them & they could reply in more than 140 characters
-Us as grandparents

[Miss Stranger Danger @BigBec43]

I've seen no fucks.
It's a 65y/o man, cigarette pressed between hot pink lips, driving a Geo Metro with a unicorn painted on the side.

[Alana Benson @LaniBeno]

Let me know when in your story I should start looking interested.

[Spencer @13spencer]

Me: How are you?

Bro Co-worker: Epic, killin' it, crushing.

Me: You don't really know what words mean, do you?

Bro Co-worker: Cat

[𝐵𝓇𝑜𝒻𝑒𝓈𝓈𝑜𝓇 𝕏 @1_swarthy_dude]

I don't speak douche, therefore I can't understand your Axe scent.