momwit2

Nurse/mom. It's like the happiness you feel watching a cat video mixed with trying not to huff a sack of anthrax.

[Rep. Pramila Jayapal @RepJayapal]

Too often nursing homes are understaffed, putting residents & nurses at risk. Residents & hardworking nurses deserve better.
I joined @JanSchakowsky & @SenBlumenthal to introduce the Quality Care for Nursing Home Residents Act to raise nurse staffing levels & protect residents.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

You know you’re too pregnant when you’re using the Hitachi wand to actually massage your back.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

@chugs33 It's nothing. It tastes like nothing and then they just took the frosting off of carrot cake.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

What's the point of "red velvet" cake?

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

Thought being married meant you can poop with the door open now. "It does not"- new husband.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

If they would just replace "wedding" with "golden" I wouldn't have to awkwardly open a blender in front of my baptist in-laws today.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

Kid 1: "that one's gluten free." Kid 2: "what's gluten?"
Kid 1: "most famous people can't have it." #guthealth

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

@MattMcAndrew look what you did.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

@MattMcAndrew #imalreadyharrypottericantharrypotteranyfarther

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

@FallonTonight @MargotRobbie @NickCannon @MarthaStewart @DanceWithCheese your hall pass is on Fallon tonight. Nick Cannon.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

Hillary Clinton's face looks like she stepped on a Lego.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

Do you think my 5-year-old and my 10-year-old will fit in the new Safe Haven drop-off boxes?

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

"You know what could ruin these hash browns? Green peppers!" - a jerk

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

I think it's time to swallow my pride and buy Pajama Jeans.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

I'm sweating like me in church.

[The A.V. Club @TheAVClub]

An HBO executive explains why True Detective season 2 kind of sucked https://t.co/25QjrKxC2R

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

#MattMcAndrew. Harry Potter muthafucker killed that song. #thevoice #takemetothefinals

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

New relationships are cool until you have to hold in a fart for like 12 hours.

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

@cullinan23 I like hoes. http://t.co/1DsHDSPiNy

[momwit2 @amylaurence]

@taylorswift13 #tbt You (left) my daughter, Elyse (right). Fitting that you're her idol!! 💋 #twinsies