Quarantined Anders

True Twitter genius providing everything you could ever need for a lavish Twitter experience.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

My twitter account is 97.9% pharmaceutical-grade purified humor.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

Did I at least look good in the courthouse photo?

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

My personal meteorologist picked a hell of a week to quit.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

I understand how TV theme songs work.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

@BMcArthurWrites We’ve started a GoFundMe.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

Hell of a day at Good Morning Gorgeous. The crescent moon cost $97,000 and has its own dressing room. The backup singers have been rehearsing the word “hope” since February. The drummer is fighting for his life. ABC has renewed the moon for 3 seasons. My contract is under review.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

Good Morning. You guys want like a fuckin’ shot of bourbon in your coffee? It’s Thursday.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

@JoePontillo Honestly, this is your best work. 😂

[Joe Pontillo @JoePontillo]

Squirrels are the only animal that's on 24/7 suicide watch.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

Bad news. The estate in Monferrato fell through. The approach to the olive grove was wrong and nobody was willing to discuss it. Also, the property had 19 bedrooms but nowhere to put the Christmas tree.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

Just found out the last known casserole was a tuna noodle baked in 1987. The Pyrex was returned in 1994 after a seven year custody battle. The lid was tried separately.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

@ThisLocalHater

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

The Girl With the Corn Dog Tattoo

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

@JoePontillo

[Joe Pontillo @JoePontillo]

I'm still on Kmart's layaway plan. I think I'm almost in the clear.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

What if you didn't need a second chance because, despite everything, you’re already exactly where you are supposed to be? Not because life went perfectly. Not because you got everything right. But because somehow, through all the wrong turns, your beautiful life is all worth it.

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

@JoePontillo 😂😂😂

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

@BMcArthurWrites 😂😂😂

[Quarantined Anders @andersjazz]

Every time I get in an Uber, I lean forward and tell the driver, “I need to be at LaGuardia in 20 minutes. You’ve got to get me there. Just don’t kill us.” No one ever thinks it’s funny and my passenger rating is 1.7, but that’s showbiz, baby.

[Joe Pontillo @JoePontillo]

Things to say when someone sneezes:
- I don't respect you.
- God can't help you.
- Take that shit outside.
- This is why you're alone.
- Now I need a shot.
- This used to be a nice neighborhood.