Andy White

Regular guy with a regular life.

[Andy White @andyfwhite]

I'm told that my thoughts don't exist unless I tweet them so I don't want people to accuse me of not thinking.

[Andy White @andyfwhite]

My friend.
My cause.
Every little bit helps.
https://t.co/lEza9XCTqP

[Andy White @andyfwhite]

@NiceLittleWife Wasn't feeling well then put myself under a doctor's car. Unfortunately, that's not a typo.

[Andy White @andyfwhite]

@NiceLittleWife How about now?

[Andy White @andyfwhite]

Reason #3 my penis is different than a weekend:
No one has ever wished that my penis was longer.

[Grassy Knollington @GKnollington]

Carmichael's "victory" is turning out to be a good metaphor for the yoon's triumph in the indyref. All honour & credibility gone for good.

[the Byrd is the word. ✨️ @TheByrd_x]

I just spent my entire weekend home alone and drunk out of my mind. Is this what being an adult is all about?

[Cuddly Bear @jsmith2777]

AC changed lick my fingers to gingers and now I have a new fetish.

[ess bee fritz @RandomAntics]

Narcissus would probably be pretty pleased to find out there's an entire personality disorder named after him.

[Andy White @andyfwhite]

She's a flake, but she's my flake.

[Spooky Mulder👽 @LexiLovecraft]

I act like I have my shit together when I'm drunk, but it literally takes me 10 minutes to write one tweet.

[my mom thinks im cool @Offensivehere]

This PCP is making my dick so hard. I think I should break it off.

[Thurmane Dupri @NOT_UmaThurman]

[Vet's office]
"My cat has been going through a phase where he always dresses like a train robber?"
"Sir, this is a raccoon"

[Sadie Smith 2.0🌻 @SadieSkyNinja]

My favorite TC is falling in love with an amazing man in RL...

*caresses your cheek

...Isn't that right, body pillow

[Middleage Monologues @MiddleageM]

To the dude running without a shirt on in the snow...

Why?

<--Throws her "Don't Be A Dick" sweatshirt at him and peals away in her car

[Bowling Shoe Ugly @BowlinShoeUgly]

Girl, is your name Jamocha cuz I wanna watch you shake!
~ Arby's sext

[Andy White @andyfwhite]

I don't ask anyone to like me, they just do.

[@Godthewoman💙 @godthewoman]

I started Twitter w a beauty pageant crown on my head talking about world peace now I just drink Crown & talk about getting a piece
ItsTrue

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

Marriage is just a commitment to always look at your phones next to each other through thick and thin.