August Spencer

Did You Know? Tarantulas taste better the closer you get to the Trinity Site

[August Spencer @august_spencer1]

"Oh goodness," I say, slamming on my brakes, sending no less than 150 cds, a dozen crusty coffee mugs, and a mini-bat flying through my windshield at 70mph, depressurizing the cabin, popping my eardrums, clearing my sinuses, finding my male g spot, and killing me instantly.

[August Spencer @august_spencer1]

constantly thirty minutes late to work because it takes me half an hour to clean the lipstick that spells " W H O R E " off my bathroom mirror every morning

[August Spencer @august_spencer1]

in the hallway between classes, books and papers in my arms. you watch me try to push up my glasses, dropping *everything*. "my studies!" i gleek, dropping on all fours in front of you. you see my sweater-vest rise up my back, revealing my whale-tail and butterfly tramp-stamp…

[lolt64🕵️ @lolt64]

(coloring in a poorly drawn circle) yeah. little alien planet there. let's give this bad boy a ring (getting to where the ring goes behind the planet and stopping) ah that's right. i can't draw back there. should have done the ring first. unless (flipping the paper over, staring)

[Boots, 'with the fur' @afraidofwasps]

Girl I invited over: I saw this video that said Bourdain broke how a generation of men eat 😂 Factsssss lol

Me: (texting Vietnamese guy i hired to surprise her with a traditional pho dinner) Stay In The Cave

[Boots, 'with the fur' @afraidofwasps]

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

[GoliathFan1952 @ByYourLogic]

white collar job Marine bio: Devil Dog. The bad lieutenant that your imam warned you about. Infidel. Son of a bitch with a mean strike a mile wide, and a trigger thinner than a cunt hair. DON’T push me
Marine who killed people’s bio: I hate Thandos from The Adventures

[matt @mattybtweets69]

(Lot getting a call from his wife during boys night) Oh boy, the ol’ pillar of salt is ringing

[fredguy @fredguy_]

@justinboldaji at first i thought, well, anyone can submit whatever but turns out it was confirmed by fucken Booger himself:

[August Spencer @august_spencer1]

they put a dang...cheetointhewhitehouse y'all...!

@JoeBiden juice this while you still have time

[Boots, 'with the fur' @afraidofwasps]

Me: Oh my dog's about to poop
Friend: How do you know
Me: He's pulling out he's phone!

[Sana Saeed @SanaSaeed]

brb uncontrollably sobbing

[Alex Nichols @Lowenaffchen]

Took a while but we did it

[PatriotTakes 🇺🇸 @patriottakes]

Prior to heading to the Middle East, Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home threw an Arabian Nights themed party

[Kristi Yamaguccimane @TheWapplehouse]

Pharmaceutical companies: “Okay, plan’s ready to go, ready to murder millions of people, there’s only one step left…the clues.”

[a series of tubes @cbdmoonrock]

men should kiss each other for women's attention more often

[Mael @shutupmael]

Asked the shopkeep what it'll cost me and he said "the ultimate price"

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

I've been fumbling for my revolver since the day I was born