Barry Owl

I am an unassuming and insouciant gentleman who appreciates fine cuisine. "Are you a mystery shopper, Barry?" they ask. My response? Why, a knowing wink. #McNug

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @sainsburys I'm ordering some online items, but the page seems to have frozen. Please advise?

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @SouthernRailUK
“Galoshes on, passengers!” barked the ticket attendant, before letting fly with an oceanic liquidy blow off - so liquidy a gentleman’s suitcase floated off. Leaping on it, the ticket attendant squealed: “Come on Barry! Let’s go surfin’ USA”

Please advise

[Bird_of_Reeve @Bird_of_Reeve]

@TrungTPhan @barry_owl think of liquidy blow offs!! Maybe that's what propelled him to glory!!

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

You just lift up the seat, Pete
Pop your cheeks on the pan, Stan
And drop all your guts, Klutz
And get yourself free

Splay your cheeks and let fly, Di
Squeeze it all down the throne, Joan
Evacuate your bowel, Simon Cowell
And get yourself free

#50WaysToUseTheLav

[Fawksie @Fawksie]

@barry_owl not sure I'm happy with this one Barry, what do you reckon?

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

@Fawksie I’ve scooped up hundreds of those swollen blighters from @SouthernRailUK toilet seats 😡

[Fawksie @Fawksie]

@barry_owl

[Southern @SouthernRailUK]

@barry_owl The tanks are emptied by technicians at termini stations, whence the contents are taken away by a contraption that is specific to the task. I'd like to think a bonfire not fuelled by human excrement & chemicals is best for the environment. ^Nat

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Oh dear. I must report that my cloaca has let me down. My Barry Egg has been inadvertently laid in the warm nest of my underscrunts.

I feel an odd sense of calm, accompanied by utter shame.

Shall I dispose of said scrunts by hurling them out the window (ie: Nature’s Dustbin)?

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @SouthernRailUK
A fat man has been in the toilet for 20mins and I desperately need to go poos.
I can hear snorting and grunting, explosive trombone parps and unacceptably thunderous sploshes.

Please advise. I’m at bursting point!

NNNNGGGHHHH!

Please advise!

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Now he’s singing an infuriatingly catchy sea shanty:
"Aloft there, aloft there
Our jolly bosun cried
Look astern as ye drink your broth
There're nugs in the bowl, but glance ye eyes above
'pon the seat, rests a behemoth"

PLEASE NNNNGGGHHH ADVISE!!!

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @SouthernRailUK URGENT! Can you contact your cohorts at @Se_Railway immediately! For some reason they've blocked me and I've just discovered a gargantuan chestnut behemoth precariously perched on a toilet seat. Tell them: "Hurry! Barry needs a trained technician. And fast”

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @LloydsBank
This morning a cashier pulled down his trousers and unleashed an outrageously liquidy blow off, rich in egginess.
He barked: “If you can guess how many eggs are in that one Barry I’ll pay off your mortgage”
I correctly identified 14 and was awarded £100,000.

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @TSB The bank manager just bellowed "Snorkels on, customers. Things are about to get OUTRAGEOUSLY liquidy."
He doffed his bowler, cocked a leg and uncorked an unacceptably liquidy blow off, while guffawing "Free mortgages are on me. Just swim to Papa Eggy"

Please advise

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

@rckjnsn @McDonaldsUK Don’t blame it on the sunshine
Don’t blame it on the moonlight
Don’t blame it on the good times
Blame it on the diarrhoea

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @McDonaldsUK
I ate McNug and now I cant stop unleashing liquidy blow offs.

Please advise

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

@simonphilpot @McDonaldsUK Sorry I was away so long. I had Kentucky Fried Diarrhoea

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @BBCTheOneShow As the attached recording will reveal, I can accurately blow off to the theme tune from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

(Please ignore the last few seconds as I accidentally followed through, by mistake)

When would you like me to appear on the show?

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @SouthernRailUK I accidentally uncorked a liquidy/eggy blow off on the train. The ticket inspector said “Who do you think you are Barry? Eggie Murphy in Beverly Hills Liquidy Blow off? Or Eggie “the Eagle” Eggwards? But instead of skis you have liquid on your feet?”
Pls advise

[Barry Owl @barry_owl]

Hi @LloydsBank I have an interview at 3pm for the role of ASSISTANT CASHIER. I inadvertently sent my draft CV so before the Bank Manager sees could you amend the "Hobbies 'n' Interests" section?
Please change "Eating McNug & doing liquidy blow offs" to "charity work and jigsaws"