Nodnarb

Cheats at solitaire.

[Nodnarb @BCMontgo]

[writing a letter]

Dear Letter,

[Nodnarb @BCMontgo]

Wife: Did you switch the laundry?

Me: Yeah, I may switch it back though.

Wife: Why?

Me: *in way too tight shorts* None of your clothes fit me.

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

ME: *hiccup* How do I get rid of this? *hiccup*

FRIEND: *punches me in stomach*

ME: *hiccup* ᵀʰᵃᵗ ᵈᶦᵈⁿ’ᵗ ʰᵉˡᵖ

FRIEND: Help with what?

[Rads @_radsy]

[bad day]

DEPRESSION: you’re gonna eat an entire box of mac and cheese

[good day]

ME: I’m gonna eat an entire box of mac and cheese

[Nodnarb @BCMontgo]

Memory foam beds are shit for jumping on.

[Nodnarb @BCMontgo]

Can't tell if my sunglasses are bent or if my face is just crooked.

[Andrew Fowler @fowlerism]

ME: I'm sorry for writing fake dialogue of us on twitter

WIFE: *spoon-feeding me caviar* Well at least you have a huge penis

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

[hospital]

ME: {turns off tv}

MY DAD: *wakes up from coma* I was watching that.

[Rads @_radsy]

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I'm SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

[marf @MarfSalvador]

dentist: you need to stop eating so much candy
me: what? why?
dentist: I can't get my hand in your mouth

[Rads @_radsy]

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

[marf @MarfSalvador]

me: so there's nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you're just going to have to live with it I'm afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

[Nodnarb @BCMontgo]

[spa]

Me: Hi, I'm here for a couples massage.

Receptionist: And your partner?

Me: Well I’d prefer a female if possible.

[marf @MarfSalvador]

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I'm ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes... yes. it's this bit below the neck

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

[marf @MarfSalvador]

boss: how was your first day?
me: I don't remember it
boss: what?
me: well I'd literally just been born

[your bff alex @psybermonkey]

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don't sleep with him, I will

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

Dinosaur 911: what's ur emer-

Dinosaur: I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you're gonna laugh

[Nodnarb @BCMontgo]

All fun and games until you accidentally slap yourself in the mouth while popping a couple Advil.

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

ME: Hey man, little help?

GUY IN STALL NEXT TO ME: {slides me toilet paper}

ME: No man. {slides calculus homework} What’s the factorial?

[dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch]

my dad (1998): win your fights with words, son

me (2018): *first day as a firefighter* stop it