old timer

come over here and set a spell

[DC Pierson @DCpierson]

I sent youse two to whack that freakin' guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

[charlie @chunkbardey]

breakups are so crazy like who am i supposed to text??? i bought a new cereal and i like it - i’m supposed to keep that information to myself ???

[jack of all trade @notjacktwist]

someone please cast them in a movie about three estranged sisters, it would make 8 dollars but it would be an instant cult classic

[Jeremy @jeremylevick]

Ok. I deserve to brag for once. in 2022, I…

- Got that promotion

- Bought my first wife (goodbye, rentals !)

- Replaced disgusting old dog for new one with no issues

- Raised hell at work 😌 by getting innocent guy fired

- Fell

- Took a minor to court (with my OWN money!!)

[Tommy Bayer @tommybayertime]

bro you gotta check out this new show it’s streaming on shbleebo and you log on through your health insurance account

[Greta Thunberg @GretaThunberg]

yes, please do enlighten me. email me at [email protected]

[eli yudin @eliyudin]

Kids on tv after they witness a crime

[eli yudin @eliyudin]

You can’t go full irony your whole life. Your kids will be giving your eulogy like “he either hated or loved Young Sheldon? It was kind of confusing”

[Historic Vids @historyinmemes]

In 1998 this "satirical" Schoolhouse Rock clip aired live on SNL once before it was banned and never aired again

[Zito @_Zeets]

I knew Japan was going to lose when none of their players had a flashback to a childhood trauma that would then fuel them to reach an unprecedented power level and score

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Every Member Of Police Department Excitedly Volunteers To Go Undercover In White Supremacist Group https://t.co/t5R0CdX8ee

[old timer @benthehumanboy]

shout out to @theweakerthans #SpotifyWrapped https://t.co/D6MSIyad46

[Dan White @atdanwhite]

The 19-year-olds who attend my favorite university didn’t score enough touchdowns today so I’m in the basement, drinking until I fall asleep. My wife is crying, begging me to come upstairs & watch a Muppet Christmas Carol with my family. “I don’t care if I die tonight” I whisper.

[Kids in the Hall @KITHOnline]

Thanksgiving is a time for family. 7️⃣🖐️

[old timer @benthehumanboy]

@chrislhayes being on a float with @tedcruz ?

[Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker]

rule 1 of my app: free speech reigns supreme
rule 2 of my app: nobody can make fun of me

[Historic Vids @historyinmemes]

I know an ancient god in disguise when I see one

[Pappy Pillé @keithpille]

oh my god we're living out the 80s kids movie trope of "an evil rich guy bought the community center where we hang out and is gonna destroy it"

FUCK we'd all better learn to break dance really fast

[Lisa Bloom @LisaBloom]

Hey Twitter employees getting laid off tomorrow! IMPORTANT INFO from a CA employment attorney (me):

CA's "WARN" law requires Twitter to give you 60 days notice of a massive layoff.

A layoff of 50+ employees within a 30 day period qualifies.

I know you didn't get that notice.