Bethany

feral SAHM

[Bethany @bethanoni]

5, doing bedtime prayers: “…and help me to obey…and please help Maddie to feel better…and…”
5, pausing in prayer and whispering to me: “Mommy? Is it okay if I pray for your eyelashes to grow longer?”
Me: “………….yes.”

#maybeshesbornwithit #maybeitspraybelline

[Bethany @bethanoni]

How do I teach my daughter that not everything is a competition and she doesn’t have to be immediately the best at everything she tries when everything *IS* a competition and *I* must be immediately the best at everything I try

[Bethany @bethanoni]

I am really in the mood for something familiar (#RedTaylorsVersion) but I don’t wanna be clueless about all the @Adele memes that are coming

[Bethany @bethanoni]

Do I listen to the new Red by @taylorswift13 or do I listen to the new @Adele album??? Not a conundrum I anticipated having to face today

[Bethany @bethanoni]

5, carefully sorting and stacking dishes from the dishwasher: “Mom, I just weally like sorting.”
Me, nodding in understanding: “I know you do, punky. And you get that from me.”
5, sighing in resignation: “I was just born to sort, I guess.”

#borntosort #andalsotobewild

[Bethany @bethanoni]

I don’t put up Christmas decor til after Tgiving but I DO leave it up til like February. Jan and Feb are absolute trash—you need warm ambient mood boosting Christmas lights more than ever. I have my cute pumpkins until after Tgiving then BOOM it’s Christmas till Valentine’s 💯

[Bethany @bethanoni]

“Mommy will kiss the boo boo to make it feel better” is super cute until you realize how often kids bite their tongues/cheeks and you now possess the only key to healing them #momlife #tonguekisses #notthegoodkind

[Bethany @bethanoni]

“Tired of being valued only for my body!! I am not a piece of meat and I’m tired of being treated that way!! I have thoughts and dreams and feelings and I am MORE than just a blood factory!! You’re a bunch of blood sucking chauvinists!!!!”

- me to the mosquitoes in my backyard

[Bethany @bethanoni]

Who at Disney decided we didn’t need a close up of the engagement ring Kristoff got for Anna? Just Kristoff tossing this tiny glittering object around and not giving me a detail shot? Because they were wrong

#iveseenthistoomanytimes #Disney #disneythoughts #frozen2

[Bethany @bethanoni]

@jimmyfallon Just found out through watching closed captioning that the lyrics to “You Can Fly” in Peter Pan are “take the path that moonbeams make” and not “pick a pack of pooping snakes” which I have been singing my entire life #MisheardLyrics

[Bethany @bethanoni]

Husband: *wants to golf on Father’s Day*
Me: “WOW. It’s FATHER’S Day. You don’t want to spend time with your CHILDREN?! Who MADE you a father?? Okay”

Husband: *suggests activity with the kids on Mother’s Day*
Me: “Tysm for the invitation but I prefer to celebrate privately”

[Liz Slade @lizslayed]

This dad press conference is excellent 😂

[Dr. Glaucomflecken @DGlaucomflecken]

Well I was about to turn off the TV and go to bed, but Bob Ross just mixed Alizarin Crimson with Phthalo Blue. Gotta see where he’s going with this.

[Bethany @bethanoni]

*driving home from school listening to worship music*

5:
Me:
5:
Me:
5: "Will we just fro her in the crash can?"
Me: "...what? Who?"
5: "Scouty when she's dead."

#WHAT #screaming #scoutyisourdog

[Bethany @bethanoni]

*running from serial killer*

Apple Watch: “It looks like you’re exercising! Would you like to record this as Outdoor Run?”

Me: *pauses briefly to click ‘yes’*

[Bethany @bethanoni]

I have never looked at the serving size on Thin Mints and I never will. It’s prob something completely ridiculous like “2.5 cookies” and I don’t want or need to hear about it just let me live my life. I know MY serving size and it is a sleeve.

#nomore #noless #thinmints

[Bethany @bethanoni]

Observing the closed captioning during the “You Can Fly” song on Peter Pan, I discovered that the line is “Take the path that moonbeams make” & not “Pick a pack of pooping snakes” as I have been singing my entire life. I have to say the moonbeam line does make more sense

[Bethany @bethanoni]

#anythingbutpaint #dancingqueen #dance #fournado

[Bethany @bethanoni]

@YourDailyPost1 This article is the equivalent of those recipe bloggers who tell their entire life stories before getting to the actual point in the last four lines

[Bethany @bethanoni]

“No! Shan’t!”

[Jenna Fischer @jennafischer]

“Listen to me, medical people.”