JP

this is your captain speaking

[JP @burgess_jp]

Driving a 94' Volvo stationwagon has its tradeoffs, for example

Pros: Rad retro look, Cheap

Cons: Right rear door opens on left turns

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

#FraudNewsCNN #FNN

[andy @swayingsoftly]

Push me to the edge https://t.co/S1BQHQuDUJ

[JP @burgess_jp]

@hstolbs send it

[the garbage shit boy @davedittell]

"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"

[pikachu stole my credit card and called me a bitch @FizzySodaWave]

Hey it's your uber driver am outside

[Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams]

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.

[ol’ salty dude @diptychbitch]

Hey whys art school gotta be like this

[kim @KimmyMonte]

Fuck you, ocean. If you have something to say, say it to my face instead of through a shell, you piece of shit.

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[tries to pull out chair for date like a gentleman]
McDonald's Employee: sorry, we had to nail them all down cause people were stealing them

[Wyoming (MN) Police @wyomingpd]

Undercover #420 operations are in place. Discreet traps have been set up throughout the city today. #Happy420

[JP @burgess_jp]

@sophiamaita @jonnysun yeah sorry about that

[chrid @spliced_]

My dad, who has been in a coma for 3 months and presumed dead, texted me this

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

[JP @burgess_jp]

sweaters are the Hawaiians of winter