*Warning to all my kitchen containers.* If I choose you tomorrow, you’ll have three chances to match a lid. If the first three don’t fit, you’re in the trash. That’s it. Same for you, lids - you’d better fit a f&#%ing container. Make some new friends tonight, lads
Imagine becoming leader of the country knowing that your first speech has to be fresh, original and inspiring and then deciding you’re just going to resort to delivering two paragraphs of cliched insincerities with the same passion as a dot matrix printer.
Oh dear. I can feel the buzz wearing off. I need another resignation to keep me going. Used to be just the one could get me through a whole week. Now I need a couple a day to get the same high
Welcome to another normal day in Britain. Who will be Prime Minster this evening? No one knows. Are you currently the chancellor? Perhaps. Should we be paying attention to important things like being able to afford to be alive? Shut up.
Someone should invent an alarm clock where the alarm is the sound of a dog about to throw up. Because nothing wakes me up and gets me out of bed faster than that.