Cari

[Cari @cari_carver]

Haven’t been on twitter in years, but now that we have free speech again…hey everybody!! @elonmusk buy fb next?? And please bring Trump back to the media world! Thank you! ❤️

[Cari @cari_carver]

Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing your praise 🙌🏻💙

[Cole M. Sprouse @colesprouse]

It's takes me 4 hours to name a character in skyrim, how am I expected to name a child?

[Cari @cari_carver]

This year for Christmas I want a new job, my insurance bill paid, and legos.

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

Since when does being “one call away” make you competitive with Superman? I’m not even positive Superman is real anyway!

[sorry mom @aplethoras]

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we'll never know
brain: oh my god

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

"My friend got me a Fitbit"
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven't got one tho
"u can buy them online"
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

[Cari @cari_carver]

My grandma threw me an early birthday party today. She talked about dentures for most the time and then offered everyone else alcohol. Fun.🎉

[Cari @cari_carver]

The Lumineers new album though...👌🏻🙌🏻😍 #Cleopatra #perfection #newfavorite #sogoodihadtotweetaboutit

[Kalvin @KalvinMacleod]

HER: this isn't working out
ME: is it because I'm too literal?
HER: I just don't want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

[Cari @cari_carver]

Really want to see Zootopia. And Finding Dory. And the Jungle Book. So many new Disney movies this year 😁❤️

[Cari @cari_carver]

@RealAlexPreston omg that's so funny because yesterday I thought about the game for the first time in years! 😂

[Alex @RealAlexPreston]

I just lost the game. RT this to make people mad

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

[Cari @cari_carver]

@theindiankanye awh don't worry, I'll still laugh at you! 😊

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

Being 28-2016: I'm not ready for a relationship
28-1816: I have 13 kids
28-1000BC: I lived a good life, thrice I ate a berry and once a pear

[Oddballs Deep @OddballsDeep]

I spend a lot of time deciding what my ringtone should be for someone that hasn't answered a phone call since 2010.