Chris Writes Funny

Comedy writer on a daily quest to craft the perfect joke.

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

I have a friend who swears by marmalade, but strawberry is my jam

#truthbomb #fruitfact #jam #sandwich #peanutbutter #condiments

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

It's 2022 and I have yet to ever see kids build a snow-woman- Every single one I've seen in this male-dominated winter has been a snow-man... I can tell on account of their snowballs.

#winter #storm #snowman #holidays #funny #truth #jokes

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

I'm starting a backyard vegetable garden. Does anyone know where I can find some @BeyondMeat burger seeds?

#gardening #Cooking #plantbased #vegetables #Vegan

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

I was glancing at my phone bill and came to the sad realization that the overwhelming majority of texts I received last month were sent from my washing machine.

#popular #socialcircle #cleanclothes #whatsupdryer

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

I got ahead of myself. Turns out my couch cushions aren't removable.

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

I'm feeling productive tonight... I think I'll take off all the couch cushions and build a fort.

#writingcommunity #amwriting #couch #forts #Motivation

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

@LLcoooltweet Swoon.

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

@themelissavegas But PLEASE tell us- what did they say about Casey Affleck??!!

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

Editor: A book that's 2nd in a series is a sequel. If you release the 1st book later, that's a prequel.
Me: Wow! Think I might have a trilogy here?
Her: Not exactly... What's a book that dulls my senses and puts me to sleep?
Me: ?
Her: NyQuil

#WritingCommunity #writing

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

Guys, I know that you think Werther's Original hard caramel is old people candy, but you couldn't be more wrong! I just tried one and it was so delicious that I may sneak another while enjoying today's Matlock after my afternoon nap.

#candy #werthers #original #old

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

I've made some bad financial decisions over the years, but if this Ant Farm doesn't produce some crops soon I think I'm going to have to sell back the tractor.

#antfarm #ants #busywork

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

@LLcoooltweet But where exactly along the trail do the m&ms grow? I think Twitter could help Trail Mix find better name... Like "peanut-peanut-raison-peanut-peanut- raison-candy!"

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

Just saw the Oscars are on TV and completely blown away to learn there have been new movies in the past year.

#oscars #AcademyAwards #Oscars2021

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

They say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but my cardiologist says 'that's the long way'.

#heart #love #surgeon #doctor #funny

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

@themelissavegas More personal finance tips please!

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

@LLcoooltweet I'm really hoping you've switched bodies. #freakyfriday

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

@themelissavegas It is a little sus'! Glass half full -- she seems extra supportive of your comedy career by contributing new material!

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

@themelissavegas An inventory of the missing items could be helpful... Good news- Its very likely you'll get your stuff back. Based on how she spent your money, the cops, and any other red blooded good samaritans should already be right on her tail! 🍑

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

Before leaving the legal profession, I represented Cher in her divorce from Sonny.
As details emerged, i found myself actually favoring her former husband, and I just couldn't take her money while I was working pro Bono.

#oldjokes #bonovsbono #cher #LawSchool #lawyer

[Chris Writes Funny @cmisme]

@AmandaOhSnap Sounds like a another dysfunctional relationship.