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I had 3 chickens

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@CodeLana_ @UTD_Kev_ @ChrisKFilms @lwsnhm94 @MacAlgoTrader Are facts completely banned down there?

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@ho_ran__ @JudgementofEnma @KasperStats Is that where the brain damage came from?

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@esp067 @Sean_LUHG @StokeyyG2 "I want to commit crime but my mom has a strict bed time"

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@gay_lumberjack @NLevkin_ @buckysthoughts @esjesjesj The only time a politician had a brain worm Republicans made him in charge of public health

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@TmyaTwotter @nycguidovoice Your ideology is from the 1930s so there's that

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First they came for Stephen King, and I said nothing.
Then they came for Dril, and absolutely fucking not stand back you cowards.

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She saw the tweet and said I need to explain that she's "feeling some type of way".

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My coworker told me that she's gonna text her boyfriend "we need to talk" and then not respond to his messages all day. Prayers to that man.

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My coworker said she wanted chocolate and I offered her an oreo and now she's mad at me because "a chocolate cookie isn't chocolate but a chocolate cake is"

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You ever buy an ice cream cone and then immediately drop it?
That's what Elon buying Twitter is like

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@kay_emmee Nice try

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Currently waiting on a corner chewing because I have too many smarties in my mouth to approach this lemonade stand

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Old guy on my bus spent the whole trip telling his friend about his love for martial arts but when I left the bus some kid got on with a katana and I'll never know how things played out

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"Babies are weak and they cannot stand up. That is why babies are difficult." -My CPR instructor who is very wise

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What doesn't kill you is basically the flu

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The best policy is vertical zoning integration. Second best is free public transport. Third is a robust bike network. Honesty doesn't even make the list you nerds.

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I think a fun name for a Mexican girlfriend would be taco belle

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There's no fucking thread you fools. It was all an elaborate set up to demonstrate that sometimes you dont need to write a billion words. You don't even need to use up the whole tweet. Just say your hing and be done. Don't stretch it because you can. Make your point and then go.

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I'm gonna start overprouncing the t in Costco until someone points it out. Then I will seize to pronounce the t in Costco

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Hanging out in the optometrist waiting room staring at a tiny screen shining blue light into my eyeballs