The Guy on the Couch

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

The WFH situation going well. Spent an hour trying to figure out why my monitor wouldn’t turn on.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

[meets Keenan Thompson in an elevator]

“I, um, love your work with knuckle pucks.”

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

“Can I eat dinner at your house tonight, Mrs. Johnson?”

‘Sure, Billy! But why don’t you want to go home and eat with your family?’

“Oh. If I go home my mom is going to yell at me about whales with polka dot tails. I dare not go. I dare not go.”

‘Lol, Billy, you’re a riot!’

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

“Down by the bay” is an interesting song written by an innocent child whose mother is definitely at home all day tripping acid and we all just accept that.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

“Down by the bay” is an interesting song written by an innocent child whose mother is definitely at home all day tripping acid and we all just accept that.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

Cam Young once again taking on all of Europe by himself. God speed.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

Maybe I’m just the first guy in the neighborhood to have his Xmas lights for next year

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

Today is a Sunday where Chick-Fil-A is open. Don’t waste the opportunity, you guys.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

60% of parenting is just saying “idk it’s crazy. I mean it says 12-18 months… not sure why it doesn’t fit?”

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

As a rule of thumb, you should always get Chick-Fil-A on the Monday of a holiday weekend because it feels like a Sunday but isn’t.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

Pretty cool that the poor kid from polar express grew up to be Sean Payton

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

Sorry I’m late to work today but I was up all night watching the old Nickelodeon magazine ad on YouTube

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

“Wonton Waste Not: A Bayesian Approach to Leftover Chinese Food Consumption and Maximizing Post-Delivery Value (2025).”

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

The next time one of my teams wants to organize a whiteout I’m going to light myself on fire.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

Oh god. I have two different Uber Eats deliveries on the way and they’re expected to arrive at the same time. This is as embarrassing as it gets.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

“Sorry, my computer is acting slow today.” - every hotel receptionist, every day

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

Oh you think vegans and crossfitters are bad? Wait till you meet a guy who is really into running and refers to toes as “metatarsals”

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

I hope no one asks me what I did this weekend, because “Friday night, I ordered $113 worth of Chinese food and spent the entire weekend eating it,” is just gonna bring down the vibes of the Monday morning staff meeting

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

Ain’t nothin’ fugazy about this background. This whole thing passes the sniff test.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

I wish this were a joke but this is the actual name of an actual elected official.

… with fugazy as her middle name.

Nothing matters anymore.

[The Guy on the Couch @couchguy33]

“AI is going to make everyone dumb!”

- a society addicted to social media and pornography, who willingly threw money at NFTs and elected Donald Trump president twice