Nap God

Just kicking it here and there on this big ass rock

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

Wife: Did you get the cat ready for you parents?
Me: Yes. Wait, did you say parents or Paris?
Wife: Parents. She's going to your parents' house for the weekend.
Me: Ok, then no

[kelly @kelllicopter]

me: is there a spirit in my house
ouija board: *slides to yes*
me: great your portion of the rent is 650 it’s due the first of the month
ouija board: F U C K

[Taylor Sallade @parTAY97]

Today a child broke down crying at art camp. I swooped in, ready to have a life chat and be there for this child.
Through his tears, he whispered, “I just stayed up too late last night watching Shrek the Musical. I just love Shrek so much.” And he buried his face in his hands.

[Nap God @craig9022]

Update, I had a great mutual one of these moments with a fellow traveler clearly feeling the same as me:

[Nap God @craig9022]

I hate everyone in this airport rn. Shut the hell up and wait for the gate to open like a normal person

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

Big Sean + Lil Wayne = Medium Shane

I won't be reading any replies to this

[Beth McColl @imbethmccoll]

why won't my nerd kids take ecstasy with me. I hate them

[David Hogg 🟧 @davidhogg111]

Human beings are not illegal
Human beings are not illegal
Human beings are not illegal
Human beings are not illegal
Human beings are not illegal

Human beings are one thing, human just like you and me of the same flesh, blood and tears.

RT if you agree

[KB @kbnoswag]

Coworker: ugh Monday! I have no desire to talk to anyone today

Me: same

Coworker: don’t even get me started on my weekend!

Me: ok

Coworker: it was a complete disaster, so Friday I get a call from my sister-in-law, did I ever tell you about her? The crazy one from Milwaukee?

[respectful huff @alexqarbuckle]

[when I get my verified checkmark removed by Twitter for doing a bit where Elon Musk is Italian] ayyyy whoopsy daisy

[respectful huff @alexqarbuckle]

I send a the calzone into space!! I don’t pay a the taxes!! Ohhh!!

[Nap God @craig9022]

I genuinely have a low key love basking in my own insignificance

[Lin-Manuel Miranda @Lin_Manuel]

Gnight.
7.6 Billion people at this 🌍 right now.
I’m SO glad you made it.
Take a lap,
Enjoy,
Your friends are around here somewhere,
I’m gonna have the DJ play something you like
(See you Monday)

[ICE T @FINALLEVEL]

Oh shit! Ronaldo is really that MF!

[Vice President Kamala Harris Archived @VP46Archive]

Let’s call this policy what it is: a human rights abuse being committed by the United States government. https://t.co/F32pEAwXPX

[Trevor Moore @itrevormoore]

Great. We got a generation of dorks coming up. https://t.co/RgoNJ1WwZ5

[Nap God @craig9022]

I'm horrified. @Ryanair just charged me more than what my flight cost because I didn't check in 2 hours before hand. No notification, nothing. #Ryanair