ℭ𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔞𝔦𝔫

Amazon. Self-Proclaimed Captain. Caffeine Cryptid. Corporate Thug. Mom. she/her/sir/Ustedes

[ℭ𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔞𝔦𝔫 @dacryptid]

*trips over toddler toys but doesn’t spill cup of coffee* PARKOUR

[Richard Newby @RichardLNewby3]

This is all because he got booed last night. What an absolute chode.

[Jack Roskopp @jackroskopp]

RIP Anna Nicole Smith you would have loved GLP-1s and vapes

[✧ @cessonmute]

A lot of single moms did try to give their child a dad. Some men just chose cheating, abandonment, violence, or disappearing over being a father. Funny how the woman raising the child gets blamed more than the man who left.

[Bill Johnson @Bill43111]

@jonfavs @slmorris555 Maybe Iran is going to release their Epstein Files LEGO movie.

[Sarah Fields @SarahisCensored]

Let me get this straight: A New York father rescues his 14-year-old daughter from sex traffickers on a yacht - only for the state to place her in not one, but TWO different state-run psychiatric facilities, where she was sexually as*aulted again by staff members?

My God.

[Grip Skylark 💕✨ @talleyberrybaby]

Tell Cersei it was me

[ℭ𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔞𝔦𝔫 @dacryptid]

@wobblymami I genuinely forgot you have a normal name 😂

[Cardi B @iamcardib]

Didn’t she used to sell that Wap?

[Julia Marie @julia_doubleday]

My dad is driving to DC for the first time since my mom died in Jan and he hit a deer. He called @AAA_Travel for help and a tow & they asked to speak to my mother. He informed them she just died & they said he can’t use the policy then & left a 70 year old grieving man stranded

[ℭ𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔞𝔦𝔫 @dacryptid]

@Torias_Secret_ I LOVE THIS SO BAD THEIR FACES 😂😂😂

[PSF | Isaac @DisclosureDay_]

You reckon you could light a buzzball on fire and just lob it at people like you’re the green goblin with his pumpkin bombs

[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

We had to smoke out of soda cans with screens from a sink faucet and blow into a toilet paper roll filled with dryer sheets so Gen Z could hit a weed pen at Target

[ℭ𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔞𝔦𝔫 @dacryptid]

@BisqueBoi My favorite thing about being a tall girl is when men under 5’11 tell me how they’re 6ft+ out in public. When they ask me how tall I am, I love saying “5’10” as I tower over them knowing damn well I’m almost 6’2 (6’1.75). Why do it? Just to watch the light fade from their eyes 😂

[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

They cancel school for tornados now? They had us in the hallway face down ass up 🤷🏻‍♂️ 🌪️

[Arosam @losomros]

ragebait often works on me because i was already angry before i read that.

[meghan @deloisivete]

Protein drink? You mean prosecco and a piece of cheese

[𝐠𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐫 @____selah]

no pockets full of sunshine honey this is a Glock

[Matt Margolis @ItsMattsLaw]

Aliens (completely bewildered): so the groundhog

Me: is clairvoyant, yes

[ℭ𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔞𝔦𝔫 @dacryptid]

@alluringskull This is exactly why I will never have a problem with Dolls, you’re girls’ girls. You show up for us, we show up for you; we’re in this together. I’m so sorry you got hurt, thank you for protecting our sisters 💜

[Olivia Julianna 🇺🇸🦅🗳️ @0liviajulianna]

Oh suddenly yall don’t like the 2nd amendment????