Dan

ruh roh

[John Beef Wellingoon 🔺🇮🇹 @jbeefwellingon]

It seems my ex wife has child custodymogged me due to my
neglectmaxxing

[LJ 👩🏻‍🦰🍒🪐 @crotchner2]

this is the level of brain function I’m working with today

[jake @wormpuller]

Got a voicemail from Cleveland while his bathtub was sliding out of his destroyed house

[david @_elvishpresley_]

got kicked off Odysseus’s boat for saying “sooo THAT just happened” after every island

[jake rhodes @jakebrodes]

POV you’re my wife cracking the bathroom door open after I’ve texted you “toilet paper”

[Kosher @koshercockney]

Wait… that’s Keir Starmer in a wig, isn’t it?

[❥ 𝑪𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒆 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑭𝒂𝒏𝒔 ❥ @tonyhawktruther]

String of words your grandpa lets out when he stubs his toe

[Jams @CherOfAstora]

every single time

[Wesley @WesleyBout]

Went to get a Covid test and a giant broccoli man walked by the door

[N I M B ❂ @Nimbopill]

Standing behind the plumber like this the whole time he’s fixing the toilet

[georgie @vilehag]

i like actually can not stop laughing at this

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

When you ask Mr. Hammerhand to look after your 300 walnuts while you go grab lunch

[Frank Owen's Legendary Paintbrush🥀🇵🇸🇾🇪🇸🇩 @OwenPaintbrush]

Because Bob Vylan's real name is Pascal, they're calling him a "posh, vegan poet" to discredit him.

If his real name were Dwayne, they'd be calling him a "violent, inarticulate thug".

And if his real name were Ahmed, they'd be demanding his deportation.

That's how it works.

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

There’s a nonzero chance that I lose control and rip your limbs off your body the second you get close to me, but sure man, get in this elevator. Roll the dice

[shawntilly lace @sh_wnee]

my landlord is having some kind of emergency

[Andrew @Dub__A]

The eternal question

[Jhonny ⚹٭ @JhonnyWhite69]

Fit so hard I had to gatekeep it

[sam y’all @samiamrosenberg]

I only threw this Nathan 4 You

[Adso Øvbelk @AdsoOfBelk]

3000 BC black mirror episode, a man drowns in a Mesopotamian irrigation ditch