Derek Shoemaker

Programmer, writer, person. No animal stuff.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

DEVIL: [on skateboard; does kickflip]

JUDGES: ok

D: [540 into nosegrind]

J: nice

D: [convinces world he doesn't exist]

J: ... holy shit

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

I don’t trust the spank bank so I keep everything under a mattress in the jack shack

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

My mother invented necessity

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

For sale.
Nice shoes.
Kinda wet.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

When is @DCComics gonna do right by us and give us “fat Joker”?

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

My brother-in-law calls appetizers “warm ups” and dinner “my one chance to get back at my enemies”.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

@brad_pike @alanfgiles Nope but I chopped it up and put it on youtube and now I'm a millionaire icon

[Derek Shoemaker @derekshoedev]

Can someone tell me what the fuck happened at the Mars Cheese Castle??? We passed there a couple hours ago on the way home to Chicago, and it looked like two cars in the parking lot were on fucking fire

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

Failed my last night school exam. Wrong answers only.

[Nick Mestad @NickShoetrees]

Just as the full moon transforms the human into the werewolf, the live music of a street festival morphs me into an older guy with a Harley Davidson tshirt who watches everything contentedly.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekshoedev]

Jobs I've had since I was 14:

Bag boy
Janitor
Stock clerk
Busser
Dishwasher
Pizza maker
Mail clerk
Banquet server
Car salesman
Dog walker
Sign holder
Delivery driver
Retail associate
Concierge
Front office manager
Receptionist

Jobs I'll have starting Monday:
Software engineer

[Ali B @wtflanksteak]

what in the white hell is this https://t.co/LtnD8q9FVS

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

RUPAUL: Scott Pruitt. On the runway, you were warming our globes off. But in today’s maxi-challenge, your denial made me a skeptic. Scott Pruitt...

I’m sorry my dear but you are up for resignation.

Donald Trump, you may join the other girls.

[Paul Brittain @PaulBrittain3]

I believe 13 ethics investigations is called a Pruitt's Dozen.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

All caught up. Feel like they’ve beat this “resigning because of scandals/total incompetence” trope to death.

Some interesting stuff happening with this “midterms” thing they keep teasing though. Wonder if that’ll play a big role in the finale.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

Have not seen the latest episode of the Trump Administration, so I’m getting off social media to avoid spoilers.

I feel like they’ve been building up Scott Pruitt as the big bad for next season. I just hope they finally reveal what covfefe was about.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

Proud of my dad for finally going back to school to be a social media influencer.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

Drives me wild when my partner talks Dirty Jobs to me in bed

[Elon’s Husk @jakersnoll]

I’m gonna make a movie about a white cis het actress who’s spent her whole career pretending to be interesting and cast a trans man as the lead.

[Derek Shoemaker @derekrshoe]

It’s tough not to say a rhyming couplets as I enter a room.

But look at me now while I have your attention. Room.