Dave Code

saleser & first-rate faller.

[Jessica Burbank @JessicaLBurbank]

No man is strong enough for her. That is why she should date me

[Jennifer McAuliffe @JenniferJokes]

Idk how you guys do drugs I just had an iced coffee strong enough to make me believe I could get into and graduate med school

[Dan Price @DanPriceSeattle]

if I was a billionaire, I wouldn't care about a wealth tax

I would simply use all my hard work and bootstraps to make more billions

[Dave Code @Dizz87]

I got inspired today to start writing a novel thats been percolating for 2 years. That means I will spend the rest of day making sure I do not start working on it.

[Amanda 🦄 @horrorhistorixn]

Blake Lively could do Deadpool but Ryan could never do Gossip Girl

[v @bitchcraftTO]

If you believe that the choice to remain unvaccinated is just a “difference of opinion,” please read this thread in its entirety.

[Jennifer McAuliffe @JenniferJokes]

Comedians like to refer to non-comedians as civilians and also like the army, it’s very unsafe for women

[Hanna Dickinson @hansdickie]

Pumped for therapy this week.

[Cathryn Naiker 💅🍉🇵🇸 @itsme_cathryn]

Imagine Pascal gets his confidence back? It’s over for these hoes! 😂😂😂😭😭😭

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

the thing I miss most about movie theaters is overhearing someone say the dumbest fucking thing i’ve ever heard before the previews start

[Cathryn Naiker 💅🍉🇵🇸 @itsme_cathryn]

Yes, finally we’re focused on the real issues. 😂😂😂.

[Jennifer McAuliffe @JenniferJokes]

Ever since my 3 year old niece told me “do you want to wear that or dress nice” I put on a blouse when she shows up.

[Cathryn Naiker 💅🍉🇵🇸 @itsme_cathryn]

Thank you 🙏!!

[aubrey @aubreybell]

if I say "I could eat" we’ve got about 32 minutes tops before I am flat out a different person

[Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp]

the year is 2019, you're deciding what to wear to go to the bar with your friends. you hop in a lyft, no masks in sight. purell? never heard of her. you hug a friend and drink a vodka soda from a glass that someone hands to you. everyone's touching their face. life is good

[v @bitchcraftTO]

Protip: when sending bios & headshots to editors, ALWAYS inc. your full name in filenames. We get SO MANY of these & if we’re too busy to rename them upon receipt, we wind up with a folder full of pics of strangers labelled DSCF2020723.jpg & nameless life stories called bio.doc.

[v @bitchcraftTO]

@eliistender10 Never read the comments.

[Sarah Ashby @Smashby17]

Dudes who tries to brand themselves as “the nice guy of comedy” usually end up being the worst kind of people

[Just another Mandy 🌻🦋🌻 @justamandy]

This morning, my son climbed into my bed like usual. After requisite snuggles, he touched my cheek to get my attention and clearly stated, "me eat poptart."

My amazing nonverbal autistic child, who had zero words a few months ago, asked for breakfast. On his own. With words.

[Cathryn Naiker 💅🍉🇵🇸 @itsme_cathryn]

Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard is such a terrible bodyguard! He’s so bad at his job, Whitney is constantly in danger!!!! 😩😩😩. I don’t even care if this take is 30 years late.