Dave

People pay me to cook , full time Dad, self confessed Apple geek

[Dave @dmroberts1000]

Hi Lisa

Still no luck finding your iPad ?

Sent from Lisa's iPad

[flappy 🐥 @funflaps]

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don't

[🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz]

Non-essential oils are the only ones I can afford.

[Dave @dmroberts1000]

I have diffused many imaginary bombs in the time it takes my microwave to finish

[Kate @KateWouldHaveIt]

Late 90’s movies led me to believe I’d be much hotter when I took off my glasses than I am

[TWirt @wirtersblock]

I did not expect your microbrewery to post “hoppy holidays.” You’ll have to give me a minute to log out and recover.

[Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve]

You can instantly see the disgust in a bartenders face when you order a water

[Sooz @CruisinSoozan]

There’s a live action nativity scene in the break room today.
Wait.
It’s just three coffee slurpers and a crying pregnant woman.

[Dave @dmroberts1000]

Fool neighbours into thinking you are disposing old carpet late at night by wrapping a body in bin bags & disposing of it late at night

[Fickle Filly @Fickle_Filly]

I love the smell of fresh coffee and impending doom in the morning.

[Fickle Filly @Fickle_Filly]

Sometimes I read a tweet and think “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

And then I press send.

[Fickle Filly @Fickle_Filly]

Dear Men,

Anything you say and anything you don’t say can and will be used against you.

Good luck.

[Dave @dmroberts1000]

@Fickle_Filly hello gorgeous!

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

{My mom as a Navy SEAL Instructor}
Well, all forces are special in their own way.

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

PAUL SIMON: 🎶Hello darkness, my old friend.🎶
DARKNESS: I’m over here.
PAUL SIMON: Oh, sorry, I couldn’t see you.
DARKNESS: Ooh, yeah, cuz of the-no that makes sense.

[Dave @dmroberts1000]

Yeah you've done well at sports personality

But can you do fractions?

[JRGin @GinRumMe]

Don't go chasin' waterfalls. If a waterfall isn't staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

[Schmrrrlex @alexlumaga]

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking.

[Schmrrrlex @alexlumaga]

Duck: Yo, you got my bread?
Duck Bread Dealer: Yeah, if you got bread
D: No I need bread
DBD: Bread means money
D: Bread means everything