TWirt

I work in advertising. Tweeting is my creative outlet.

[TWirt @wirtersblock]

I don’t pretend to know what’s happening. I pretend to be on the phone when it’s happening.

[John T. Biggs @biggspirit]

Ginkgo biloba in my tea? No thanks. I'm drinking to forget.

[Gold E. Loxx ✨ @StephiHill]

Child: Mom can I sleep with you?

Me: No. I can’t risk whatever you’re scared of following you to my bed.

[TWirt @wirtersblock]

Sometimes the wet spot sleeps on you.

[Madame Lifewaster Jr. 😐💀 @elunatyk]

Don't believe my claims of sophistication- I will eventually give myself away by saying "gabbage" or "fridgerator"

[TWirt @wirtersblock]

No nudes but I have some bare cupboards you can ogle.

[Funky cold McDLC @davidleecourt]

I have to hang up now, the paramedics are here.

Me flirting in my fifties.

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

“Wonder how many assholes I’ll have to deal with today” is my first thought upon waking up.

[TWirt @wirtersblock]

French roast and raisin toast is the breakfast that I love the most.
I need mnemonics to function, which reminds me, what rhymes with flush the toilet?

[olive @offbeatoliv]

I’d rather be alone and naked in a cage than go to a bridal shower.

[Madame Lifewaster Jr. 😐💀 @elunatyk]

The Misanthrope 2; Misanthrope Harder.

[That one chick from the internet @PrisonCookies]

I saw someone's butthole walking to my office this morning and I feel like Twitter adequately prepared me for this.

[Her Tall Boots @fuzzlime]

just learned from buzzfeed that I should avoid the words "surveillance" and/or "yolo" in a cover letter. well GODDAMMIT

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

Turned on the correct stove burner on the first try, I am INVINCIBLE.

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

I like my desperation the way I like my western fronts: Quiet.

[Buddawiggi @MarkBuckawicki]

I can hear you thinking

[TWirt @wirtersblock]

@stacieooooo Oh goodness. I really love your home. It has everything. I bought you this rustic sign for it. I’m coming over for pancakes.

[TWirt @wirtersblock]

No one wants to be fishing around in your pants. Tie a knot at the end of your drawstrings.

[Ciarán the Masked Shadow Sorcerer @notagain127]

@wirtersblock @miss_propriety {quiet violin music}

Dear ma: The lovely ladies on my timeline didn't want to see the photographs of my penis. I worry for my future. What will become of me? I fear it all hangs in the balance. Your loving son, Jebediah.

[phone home @summers_sonny]

I only liked half your selfies bc I respect you as a person.

[Bat Shit Crazy @BatBatshitcrazy]

Don't make me break out my grandma's potato dumpling recipe.