EJ

[EJ @ejh891]

@Chase is sending me a new credit card and said I should destroy my old one, but heck, this thing is made of metal or something. 🤔 Think I need the sword of Gryffindor or a basilisk tooth but not sure

#HarryPotter
#creditcard

[EJ @ejh891]

Tech company benefits are unreal. Free food, laundry service, and now:

[EJ @ejh891]

What if the clone they made of Lindsay Lohan for Parent Trap actually killed the real Lindsay and sabotaged her life?

[TED Talks @TEDTalks]

"I'm not trying to be anyone's savior. I'm just trying to think about the future and not be sad." @elonmusk https://t.co/KVW9UeksLq

[EJ @ejh891]

@rayar363 @SarahJay515

[EJ @ejh891]

Am I doing this right? #PokemonGO

[EJ @ejh891]

What if they served beer to dads at high-school sporting events as a fundraiser? 🤔

[EJ @ejh891]

They told me to "dress country" tonight

[Men's Humor @MensHumor]

MIND BLOWN

[EJ @ejh891]

After achieving his life-long goal of reaching the peak of Mt. Everest, the boy's dad uttered, "it's all down hill from here!"

[EJ @ejh891]

"Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter"

[EJ @ejh891]

@JetBlue @WILLpower413 https://t.co/FEFK40HN4l

[EJ @ejh891]

From the folks who brought you Dollar Menu where you get 1 thing for $1, introducing the McPick 2 where you can now get 2 things for $2!

[EJ @ejh891]

I hate when people ask me where I see myself in five years; I don't have 2020 vision, guys...

[Squish @DillonHammond]

@ejh891 https://t.co/1TB4UgkYKl

[EJ @ejh891]

@DillonHammond its legitimately more comfortable than modern-day blankets! And it's supposed to be that color...

[EJ @ejh891]

@DillonHammond I know how much you love pregnant strippers

[EJ @ejh891]

The other day I saw a dwarf slide out of a jailhouse window and look at me funny. I thought, "that's a little condescending..."

[EJ @ejh891]

I met an archaeologist at the bar this weekend; he seemed pretty cheerful for a guy whose career was in ruins.