Steph @ Racing Elephants

[Steph @ Racing Elephants @ElephantsRacing]

#parenthack When dealing with two kids, buy two of the same toy so they won’t fight.

Just kidding. They’ll still fight over one of them.

[Daddy’s Digest @daddysdigest]

Me: This jobs been killing me. I’m giving you my two weeks notice.

Wife: It doesn’t work like that.

[lifes2short @iag314]

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier , and tends to bark a lot . If you��re interested, let me know , and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you;

[Becca Carnahan @with_love_becca]

When Mommy Grows Up: A Career Guide for Moms, Served Up with Humor and Heart. Career development guidance from a career coach & funny mom. Chapters all based on lessons we teach our kids, reframed as strategies to build careers and lives we love. #PitMad #A #NF #HA

[Dad Bits @DadBits]

The odds of saying the right child’s name when calling out to them is 1/X, with the X variable representing the number of children you have.

[Stephpacito @stephaniemroc]

@hmramos0503
@anxiousmommaof2
@ParentalGrit
@PearlsFromMyrna
@yourstayathome

@beckand5
@dad_on_my_feet
@AmyBunda
@YourMomsucksTho

@2adults4kids

@Mirimade
@ElephantsRacing

Secret msgs aren't *normally* my gig but it's a special #ff!

[Steph @ Racing Elephants @ElephantsRacing]

Crazy weather? Here’s a fun, little piece about how they *really* get those weather forecasts. Fitting, since we may or may not have ice, snow, blowing winds, and more ice this weekend

https://t.co/eujJen3wDt

[Anecdotal Birthcontrol @AnecdtlBrthCtrl]

Pregnancy cravings aren't real. I never had any. They are just an excuse women use to eat junk and get fat.
- Random idiot at the supermarket

First of all, you just had a near death experience and I thought you should know.

Second, shut up. Go away. Never talk again.

[Tabitha Milam-Fisher @AuthorTJMilam]

"Her likes, dislikes, hobbies & dreams, changed with every man she courted & every friend she found. It didn't take long for me to realize that August Bishop was an identity seeker. The young, charismatic & beautiful girl, had no identity of her own." #amwriting

[Dad Bits @DadBits]

Whenever I’m at a work meeting and I have to say the word “Street,” I instead say, “What’s that word again? Oh, yeah. Street!”

Nobody gets me.

[Richard Dean @dad_on_my_feet]

Grown-ups throw rice at weddings for good luck.

Toddlers throw rice because it was for dinner, and to crush your life-spirit in their tiny, havoc-harvesting devil-fingers.

[Richard Dean @dad_on_my_feet]

Mama: *makes meal plan*
Mama: *writes shopping list*
Mama: *cuts coupons*
Mama: *drives to store*
Mama: *buys groceries*
Mama: *preps ingredients*
Mama: *sets table*
Mama: *cooks dinner*

Daddy: *puts food on plate*

4yo: DADDY did it!!

Daddy: *ducks flying saucepan*

[Anecdotal Birthcontrol @AnecdtlBrthCtrl]

Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
Yes?
Mommy!
OMG WHAT DO YOU WANT???
NO! Mommy don't be frustrated!
-toddlers

[Steph @ Racing Elephants @ElephantsRacing]

@tweethappy2017 @LynnBrasier @leeleebb21 @LicensedtoDad @Lurpee @OhioMomoftwo @OhThatMomGlow @officerdaddo @VaughnDAAT @EmAsInMoney Thank you!

[Steph @ Racing Elephants @ElephantsRacing]

@Schaueredinlove @HelpingofHappy @arosemanifested @wiselittlehoots @mommysaidsoblog @ParentingCake @VaughnDAAT @PenlightsToPaci @Normallifemom @stephaniemroc @MommyPurposeful @NamasteMamaRose @motherhoodten @coffeemomrpt You’re awesome! Thank you!

[Positively Randi @ICantEven001]

Do’s and Don’ts when raising a teenager:

Don’t:
*Act excited when you see them
*Ask them how their day was
*Make any jokes... they will never be funny
*Expect any form of affection
*Sing out loud when driving
*Expect them to tell you that they love you

Do:
*Love them anyway

[Mom On The Rocks @mom_ontherocks]

I’ve never been punched in the face but last night 2 head butted me so hard I have a swollen and bruised face this morning so don’t tell me becoming a parent makes life boring.

*toddler’s head is of course totally fine*

[Steph @ Racing Elephants @ElephantsRacing]

@MacgyveringM22 My thoughts are always “if donuts are an acceptable breakfast, why not?”

[From The 🌊To The Sea, B!tch🍉 @MacgyveringM22]

2 kids just requested chicken nuggets & chips for breakfast, & the other asked for avocados & lollipops & now they’re in their fort eating exactly that while I drink my coffee in peace, so don’t be afraid to rewrite the rules bc honestly there are none when pure joy is the result

[Steph @ Racing Elephants @ElephantsRacing]

@mikethetrekkie 😂😂😂

[Steph @ Racing Elephants @ElephantsRacing]

I’m not saying kids are stinky.

But I never had to play “what’s that smell?” before I had kids, so....