Lava Ninj

Welp, I'm a Travel ER RN and I have a mighty fine Southern accent. Marriage killed my funny. #BlessTheBlueEyedBoy #EnvyDaStrength

[Lava Ninj @equinelover137]

Heard that science has shown that oceans are getting more salty

And all I could think was Me too, oceans, me too

[Lava Ninj @equinelover137]

@RepSwalwell Like the vaccinated don’t spread the virus…riiight.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Single men are not fancy because they have a lavender duvet, single men are fancy because they call it a duvet.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

Depression can be a real bitch. It’s that illness that only you can see and feel, so to explain it to someone that has never had it can be difficult. They may be sympathetic, but they don’t know how to deal with an illnesss they’ve never had, which leaves you feeling more alone.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Whenever my wife tells people we’re starting obedience training next month I always feel compelled to add “for the dog”.

[Lava Ninj @equinelover137]

50 shades of grey...the middle aged version

Where the red room of pain smells like Ben Gay and safe words are “ibuprofen” or “I think I broke a hip”

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

[waiting for tacos]

Me: excuse me sir, where’s your restroom?

Cashier: no speak-a English

Me: Oh, sorry...RESTROOM?! WHERE IS YOUR RESTROOM?!

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

I’m “I can’t keep track of who is dead” years old.

[A Shot of Steve™ ⚡️ @SteveKoehler22]

As you get older, you get smarter
about what’s really important in life.

[Lava Ninj @equinelover137]

Fun challenge:

Try taking someone’s oral temperature without opening your own mouth a little bit

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

Settle down middle-aged white guy...it’s a pick up game of basketball at the gym, not the NBA finals.

[Lava Ninj @equinelover137]

Who the hell is Nigel and why are they making plans for him?

[A Shot of Steve™ ⚡️ @SteveKoehler22]

The past is the past.
All that matters is what you do next.

[A Shot of Steve™ ⚡️ @SteveKoehler22]

Be strong ... even when you feel
like running away would be easier.

[A Shot of Steve™ ⚡️ @SteveKoehler22]

Be genuine.
It's that simple.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

What’s it called when you try to make things weird but you can’t?

I’m that.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

My wife just used two paper plates to warm up leftovers in the microwave like we're some kind of millionaires.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

I'm not saying most people lie, I'm just saying the difference between facts and relevant facts depends on your agenda.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Sorry you don’t have an exciting and glamorous job but we can’t all be accountants.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

All I’m saying is I never realized how many things could be monogrammed until I got married.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.