Medium Expectations

Received a Runner-up Participation trophy. Avid lounger. he/him

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

Wanna come over and get high and lay on the couch with our legs touching but where we each don't feel crowded and we're just comfortable knowing that the other is there and watch bad awesome action movies from the 90s and maybe order mozzarella sticks or whatever you want?

[Cooper Lawrence @CooperLawrence]

“Runaway brides” should be called “near Mrs.”

Thank you, this is why I have a PhD

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

[jo @whatsJo]

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

[Three Year Letterman @3YearLetterman]

My most socialist position is that all NFL, NBA, and MLB playoff games should be on network TV - kids whose parents can’t afford or don’t have streaming services should still be able to watch

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

@FatherRedMcgee My dude. 💪💪💪 Props

[Alen @AlenSeli3]

I think God's next test for me should be "Can he handle ridiculous amount of money?"

[Alen @AlenSeli3]

Listen idk the science behind this, but if you are naked and want to feel even MORE naked, just put on a pair of shoes.

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

Some of you are so damn talented and funny and smart, and I make up little stories in my mind about how we'd be such good friends if we knew each other, and we'd high five about how awesome sandwiches are, and then I sigh as I get back to my little job in my little cubicle.

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

Wanna come over and get high and lay on the couch with our legs touching but where we each don't feel crowded and we're just comfortable knowing that the other is there and watch bad awesome action movies from the 90s and maybe order mozzarella sticks or whatever you want?

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

Oh this? This is my emotional support sitatmydeskandscrollforanhouraftermylastmeetingratherthanjustheadinghome.

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

Me, before taking another little nibble: I'll can only be a little bad. I didn't get on the treadmill today.

The dude I'm eating: Cannibals worry about their physical fitness? Hmmm. I learned something today.

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

Friends, can we all agree that sharing an order of mozzarella sticks is at the very least an intense albeit temporary spiritual connection and at its most pure, the establishment of a sacred bond of eternal friendship?

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

When you compliment the preparers of oysters, do they sheepishly say "awww, shucks"?

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

Nothing says failed diet strategy like a pizza delivery guy saying "Careful. It's heavy."

[Manders 🌻 @SunflowerGpsy]

I hope this tweet finds you well

[horse @horsetwting]

fuck you

[trash jones @jzux]

hey does anyone have any tips for feeling hope

[Medium Expectations @expectnotmuch]

@FatherRedMcgee 💪let's go.

Congratulations, man.

[Fuck it all, Love Molly 💋 @mistrustme1]

He Googled Irish last names at noon

By two he was Declan O’Tune

By four he had tales

Of shamrocks and Wales

The absolute, magnificent loon

#limerick #stpatricks