Oracle of Oz

I noe what you did....

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

On the bright side I'm not addicted to heroin.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

I really hope this interview goes well. I'd hate to think I stayed sober until 2 pm for nothing.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

My boss didn’t know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

You're as useless as pants on a hooker.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

To me, drinking responsively means don't spill it.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

I will not be impressed with technology until I can download some alcohol.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

The problem with tomorrow is that's it's not Friday.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

My Native American name is Beer Me.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

You drink lots of Whiskey and you're labeled a “Drunk”. You drink lots of Wine and you're labeled a “Connoisseur”.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

Ever wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic"?

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

A headache without a hangover is such a waste.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

Turning 21 isn't such big deal when you've already been drinking for 5 years.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

Cop - "Please step out of the car."

Me - “I’m too drunk, you get in."

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

Smartphone? Not the way I use it.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

I'm exhausted from all the work I should have done.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

I’m not lazy; I just really enjoy doing nothing.

[Oracle of Oz @eyenoe_69]

If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.