Derek

I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.

[Derek @FriedWords]

When someone says something stupid, I want to grab their face and blow really hard into their mouth like an old Nintendo cartridge.

[Derek @FriedWords]

Some days I feel life is a black hole devoid of all meaning. Other days I find a package of Pop Tarts I forgot I hid from the kids.

[Derek @FriedWords]

I hope I never go blind. Because I really hate fedoras and jazz music.

[Derek @FriedWords]

I refuse to go in a walk-in closet. Because, don't tell me what to do.

[Derek @FriedWords]

SON: Did you ever give mom your heart?
ME: Yep. And you can't live without a heart. Which is why married people always look like zombies.

[Derek @FriedWords]

It's hard to find inner peace when you can't get all the voices in your head to meditate at the same time.

[Derek @FriedWords]

There's a thin line between self-respect and self-loathing. And apparently that line is made of chocolate. So I ate it.

[Derek @FriedWords]

When I eat bacon, it's hard not to think about the pig that gave his life... his tasty, tasty life.

[Derek @FriedWords]

My 4 year old came out of the bathroom and refused to wipe his dirty butt. So I threatened to spank it. He said, "Go ahead." ...Hmm, touché.

[Derek @FriedWords]

I often wonder if I have a multiple personality disorder. No I don't. Potato.

[Derek @FriedWords]

I think I need to rewrite my backstory. There seems to be way too much crying in the shower in this one.

[Derek @FriedWords]

If this camping trip were a prison movie, I'm pretty sure the mosquitoes just made me their bitch.

[Derek @FriedWords]

That's three times I've fallen down the stairs in this house. I think it's safe to assume the stairs have a drinking problem.

[Derek @FriedWords]

OK, which asshole is eating rotten tuna on a crowded train when it's 90 out? Wait. Dear God, I hope that smell is just tuna. Please be tuna!

[Derek @FriedWords]

I have stared into the mouth of hell. And it is the mouth of a teenager with braces eating a taco.

[Derek @FriedWords]

If you ever get the chance to sneeze while you're peeing, I recommend that you don't. And, apologies to the guy next to me at the urinal.

[Derek @FriedWords]

The worst sharks are the ones that don't let their friends know when they have human stuck in their teeth.

[Derek @FriedWords]

Godzilla is just coffee's version of the Kool-Aid Man.

[Derek @FriedWords]

If you ever fall into an icy river, don't panic. Because no one wants their last words to be a bunch of screaming.

[Derek @FriedWords]

Instead of growing a hipster beard, I got one tattooed on my face. Check. Mate.