Mat™️

check out my tick tock for makeup tips

[Mat™️ @futureKid]

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, "I wish I put in more hours at the office"

They're going to think, "I wish I had corrected more people's grammar on the internet"

[Mat™️ @futureKid]

Next Indiana Jones movie is set in 1969 and he'll be fighting Nazis again

If they keep making these eventually Indy will be fighting Proud Boys and I'd probably go see that one

[Renée Meredith @wumother]

No, Barb, leave Jesus out of this. My bracelet says WWDD: What Would David Duchovny

[Dap 🦍 @theDapperilla]

The best part about subtitles is that I don’t have to stop chewing

[Mat™️ @futureKid]

Dracula: 1989 Batman is the GOAT

Wolfman: You may be right but I find The Batman so fresh and interesting

The Mummy: Do you guys like those Fantastic 4 movies I sure do

[🫧 snacky 🫧 @candyflippin]

what's your favorite kind of evidence? mine's circumstantial

[Brandon Scott Wolf @BrandonEsWolf]

If I was Punk’d by Ashton Kutcher I would 100% still be thinking about it.

[😎 𝕞𝕒𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕔𝕜 😎 @good_vibes_girl]

me: idc

me for real: i absolutely care

[Renée Meredith @wumother]

A significant chunk of life smelled like a Chuck Palahniuk story

[Mat™️ @futureKid]

If I was Biden I'd work on my moonwalk

Imagine ending a speech on Ukraine or inflation by moonwalking off stage

That shit would fly

[Ⓜ️isterD @MisterD78UK]

My friend told me to do what makes me happy, so I put my headphones on while it looked like he said some other stuff too.

[inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa]

I'M HERE TO KICK ASS AND CHEW BUBBLEGUM

AND I'M ALL OUT OF ASS

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Puritan sext: More children?

[Renée Meredith @wumother]

Leaving my house without looking in the mirror just to remember what risky shit feels like

[Mat™️ @futureKid]

Wait so THIS is Teen Wolf "the movie" what kind of gaslighting bullshit is going on here

[Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3]

Post Covid parties: a bunch of people standing around telling each other how good it is to be together again while wishing they were at home in their pajamas

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

The enemy of my enemy is my mom.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

In England Bigfoot is called Bigmeter

[Mat™️ @futureKid]

Employee training courses be like

Joe has done a bad thing. What do:

A. Tell a manager or whatever
B. Punch him right in the goddamn mouth
C. Take off your clothes and yell "I am the lizard king"

[sojujinbutsu @EdgarPoop1]

The closest the human race has been to god is what we’ve done to the potato

[inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa]

Good morning to 7 of you only