Top Tweets for #CoerciveControllers

People get very upset when I say that I believe that abusers make an active choice to abuse and harm others. It’s not innate. It’s not a mental health issue. It’s not accidental. It’s not ‘all they know’. It’s not uncontrollable. It’s a choice. That’s why they are able to switch it on and off around certain people. That’s why they abuse their partner but not their Dad. That’s why they abuse their kids but not their boss at work. These are choices. And people don’t want to face that reality. They would rather believe that the abuser ‘can’t help it’ or ‘doesn’t see what they are doing’. Listen up, they do. Some enjoy it more than others - but they ARE making a choice to abuse and harm. So the question we are left with is: why does it make so many people so uncomfortable to simply accept that abuse, rape, and assault are active choices? Why would so many people prefer to bury their head in the sand? The answers to that hold the key to why we cannot get control of this issue in our communities and in society 🗝️

Narcissists/psychopaths/coercive controllers (predators) are exceptionally engaging to a new love interest. Once a legal event occurs, such as marriage or birth of a child, they drop the engaging facade. They know their prey is trapped. They start to demean, intimidate, control, harm, deceive and slowly crush the very soul of their partner.

Interesting fact about narcissists/psychopaths/coercive controllers: a key red flag is POLARISATION! In my work in large organisations, the first red flag I see for a predator (narcissist/psychopath) is 2 distinctly different views about the same person. There will be a group of people who are exceptionally supportive of this person (the enablers) and a group of people who are passionately against the same person (the perceivers). People who have been targeted by predators, including the person in question, recognise the predatory behaviours and call-out the predator (perceivers). A second group of people are completely drawn in by the compelling facade of the predator and the platform they have adopted which may be ‘successful business person’, ‘domestic violence advocate’, ‘elite athlete’, ‘charity worker’ etc. They support the predator (enablers). The perceivers keep trying to expose the predator. The enablers are concerned about this seemingly unfair character assassination and stand up for the predator. The perceivers become more vocal and insistent that people recognise the dark side of the predator. The enablers become more passionately supportive of the predator. Hence - polarisation! Words that indicate polarisation and hence a potential predator: - ‘don’t worry about all your detractors’ - ‘that group doesn’t like me because I say it as it is’ - ‘we are behind you all the way, ignore all the trolls’ - ‘they are just jealous because XX has so much support’ - ‘the level of hate levelled at XX is shocking. They are an amazing person’

Never underestimate the role of sleep deprivation in your ‘mental health issues’. When you are distressed and traumatised, your sleep will suffer. Sleep deprivation will change your cognition, memory, mood, attention, tolerance, understanding, decision making, judgement, physical health, processing, coping mechanisms and trauma responses. We often then assume that all these things changing and worsening are due to some underlying ‘mental disorder’, instead of the impact of sleep deprivation ON TOP OF your trauma and distress.