Heather Stansbury

i’m passionate about way too many things. mostly loving my neighbor and the oxford comma. she/her

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

@rachaparker I’m cracking up

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

if i ran for office a big part of my platform would be making zillow have a comment section

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

not to sound like a boomer but i legitimately cannot find a cute shirt that is not cropped. i just had a baby and i would love to wear a shirt that didn’t show each of my stretch marks in full detail please!!!!!

[meg “Yooper” bitchell @MeganBitchell]

Whatever candidate promises to ban LED headlights I’m voting for I’m now a single issue voter

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

if it feels like 5 degrees outside it IS 5 degrees outside. that’s how temperature works. not 27 but a wind chill of 5. if the wind is making it FEEL LIKE 5 degrees then you can just say it is 5 degrees because that is the temperature the wind has made it

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

sorry i said grammys. y’all know what i meant. so embarrassing

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

the main thing i’ve learned from watching the world cup is that these men deserve grammys for their performance. flopping every five seconds, laying on the ground in agony, screaming in pain just to stand up and run as soon as the penalty is called. theatre at its finest

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

@ZilchCxrl i love how “more class” means you deserved to win a football game

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

i’m confused about how y’all are confused about the number of people showing up when…. y’all are the ones that sent the presale codes… like you chose exactly how many people got them??

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

my 3 month old is gonna be in high school by the time ticketmaster fixes the queue

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

i was in a bad mood all day until i got this email 😵‍💫🥳

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

it is *so* discouraging to care about politics and live in texas 🫠

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

same bc my husband came home for lunch and was like “so what’s new with taylor today?”

[ellie schnitt @holy_schnitt]

I feel a little bad bc it’s been a very taylor swift heavy month and every time i’ve seen this guy he’s been like so what’s new with you? and unfortunately I could only tell him what was new with taylor swift that day

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

friendly yearly reminder to start taking your vitamin D if you haven’t already because seasonal depression can kiss this booty!!!!

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

our third TS album to lay in bed and listen to while falling asleep on release day. feels like a national holiday ✨

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

when is bereal gonna go off at 7 am so we can see who is sleeping in (me) and who is getting up early (not me)

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

@_Sarahhemilyy YES

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

@deargrant_ no because i don’t like it did you read the tweet

[Heather Stansbury @heatherstans_]

i want to like pumpkin spice so bad but i just hate it