David Steele

writer/performer who has bad bones

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

No joke: there’s an open bar at this funeral because my grandpa put in his wishes to make sure there is one. Honestly A+ Doug

[maya sharma… @goodjobmaya]

OooOoOoooooo a week from today oooOoOoOOo

@GraceGFreud @autogynefiles @okayclare @Feldfrog gara! @justinmlinville @heydavidsteele @ComedyBrooklyn

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

@TheJakeChristie @elblancojz @cd5476 @AnthonyCanton_3 Hmph go ahead and get the hat and see how long till I trek to Queens with a cranky child who I can ensure will take it off your head and stomp on it. #baseballtoocoldinjaxnow

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

@mesallyann @MrIanLockwood 👨‍🎨

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

@MrIanLockwood @uncle_poppers Hmph 😰

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

@ThisIsMikePoole God Imma fight you so hard

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

The real joy of my job is booking flights and 5 star hotels for people younger than me.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

I’m trying to save enough box tops to send my daughter to Harvard.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

I’ve lived in NYC for almost 3 years and still haven’t met Delilah

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

A co-worker said “treat yo self” 3+ times in the elevator and that’s impressive.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

My boss told me I look sadder than usual so that's nice to know.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

First time using an umbrella and ya know, I get it now

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

Got in trouble for being 10 minutes late to work but I made sure to point out that compared to most days, that's on time.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

I saw someone smoking a juul on a skateboard ON A SUBWAY PLATFORM. And I’m dangerously turned on.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

If you’re a collection of makeup, you may be maybelline

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

I grew up living in a trailer but it was actually double wide so I practically lived in a mansion.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

My Dad calls me "little buddy" and that's about it for this tweet.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

I wonder how a priest handles bombing his sermon.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

I get a power trip from locking eye contact with dogs as they poop.

[David Steele @heydavidsteele]

Windmills are good but scary