Most humbling experience is buying new underwear & seeing them & being like LOL THESE ARE SO BIG. THEYRE HUGE IM GONNA SWIM IN THEM & they fit like a glove
One month after starting the war in Iran, this is the statement of the President of the United States on Easter Sunday.
These are the ravings of a dangerous and mentally unbalanced individual. Congress has got to act NOW. End this war.
You can really tell America is winning this war when the president panic posts “open the fuckin’ strait, you crazy bastards��� at 5 am on Easter Sunday along with an extension on their deadline
Dermatologists be like: “palpable pruritic purpuric patches of papules and pustules parading partially past the platysmal plane alongside prominent plaques of pedal petechiae”
lying awake at night: Everything is a torture tool against me, i get killed 10x a day. Im Satan
sitting at my desk in the morning: I better have 2-3 more coffeine so i can blast off
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
dana: *smoking a cigarette after a terrible shift*
emma: mind if i join you?
baby jane doe: yeah, mind if i tag along?
*counting stars by one republic begins to play from a nearby ambulance*
robby (dead, smiling fondly): maybe we’re all The Pitt