Olivia
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Andrew
@its_drew01
Fitness is like a relationship, if you don't dedicate to it, you're loosing more than you know.
Financial Analyst, Accountant & Young Entrepreneur.
D.O.C.
Joined April 2020
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74 Posts
It's very rare and few individuals among many that understand how deep this is. Someone just spoke out my mind. This is a banger!!
I have this friend-turned-stranger I haven’t spoken to in a long time. But it still doesn’t feel real. Their voice lives in my internal dialogue. You know how some people stay so alive in you that the idea you haven’t spoken to them feels absurd?
@sneakersfandom This 👌🏾
@manishkhosiya Course
Memo No. 8 From The National Welfare Desk of Men
10 COMMANDMENTS FROM MY “FATHER”
{Long Read-8 Minutes}
I lost my father at a very young age. I would have ended up as a broken adult like so many who grew up without fathers. However, I was lucky that I was surrounded by strong father and male figures from whom I continue to draw a lot of positive lessons on how to be a better man.
There is an Elliott Hulse lecture on YouTube where he gave ten commandments or lessons he learnt from his father. His father, pushing 70-plus is still a kickass fella, who fixes his own roofs and does proper workouts routinely. In one of the presentations, Hulse shares a platform with his father, and boy, the old cat looks all hale and hearty.
I paused to think about the central father figure in my life, a man who is my guardian, and I have always greatly admired. He is a kind, judicious, and loving father. My mission on earth is always to be even half the man he is.
What commandments and lessons on manhood can I draw from him?
Here are ten I can quickly think of.
1. Thou Must Lead by Example
The old man always woke up at 6 a.m. While brushing his teeth, he moved around the compound waking up everyone. We had a running joke that mimicked his speech knocking on the door, around 6.30 a.m.
“Wake up. By now even beggars are in the streets with their begging
bowls…”
This was supposed to shame us, able-bodied young men not to oversleep. The old boy is a hard worker. Whether on the farm, his business, or the church, he leads from the front. Never once have I seen him abdicate responsibility. He takes his fatherly duties with a certain divine devotion, and it is something I have tried to learn from him. He is almost infallible when it comes to setting standards.
He has never preached water while sipping wine.
When you lead by example, you make it easy for those under you, be it your wife or children, or those under you, say at work, to easily follow your lead.
Want to raise a religious family? Be the first one to wake up, lead them in prayer, and create that environment where spirituality/religion can thrive.
Want your children to work hard in school? Show them how it is done. Show them the rewards of hard work. Lead your life in such an exemplary way that those under you will never want to disappoint you. You do this by doing the right thing.
Remember it is men who set up the disciplinary framework for the family. Don’t be weak, don’t adjust your principles. Be ruthless but fair and sensible.
Leading a disciplined, exemplary life is like 90 per cent of the work done.
2. Thou Must Love
If you are a parent here or hope to be one, teach yourself to love. Most of us were not loved enough as children and we have become cruel and the source
of so much pain for others. As men, we hurt our wives. We hurt our children.
We hurt our siblings. By our actions, inaction, and foolishness. One thing the old man has taught me is the commandment of love. Love is never necessarily reciprocated. Often, it is abused and taken for granted. But love your people. When you love right, you raise confident children. Children who can’t be bullied for they know there is a rock at home. When you love right, there is less resentment at home. Children who know their worth. Everything you do, even when you get it wrong, there is room for forgiveness or understanding.
There were so many of us at his home, besides his nuclear family. The old man liked everyone under his roof and never once did he try to treat anyone
with favour over the others. It is the kind of old traditional African values that are now gone. We have become so individualistic, and it is hurting us.
But if you love everyone equally, it radiates itself back. I can’t think of a more rewarding virtue than love. I experience it every day, even from strangers.
Try it at your family level and extend it to others.
3. Thou Must Work
The old man likes to work. And likes everyone in his compound busy with work. Doesn’t matter what kind of work, as long as you are busy. Especially if you are a man.
Nowadays, in the red pill, we talk about a man focusing on his mission. But it is the old boy who taught me the value of hard work (in school and out here).
He taught me farm work, taught me business, and taught me how to hustle. While in Form 2, he would order me to go sell the ex-layers at the nearby Nyangusu market. Carrying 50 hens to the market on a wheelbarrow can be a pain in the arse of a teenager. Sucks. But that experience taught me a particularly useful lesson in life. Sometimes I could go to the market, and nobody would buy the chicken. And I would be beside myself with shame. And he would comfort me and tell me tomorrow would be a better day. And sure, tomorrow I would go back, and all the chicken would be bought.
I have never forgotten the business lessons and the value of hard work, whether in school or at work. He taught me to always finish whatever I had started and that is why anytime I enroll on any course, finishing is not merely
an option, it is the only choice. So, gentlemen, always work. Even when the work does not make sense, work, get the lesson. Focus on your mission. Make money. Don’t ever sit there, doing nothing. Keep yourself busy, even if it means volunteering.
4. Thou Must Be a Man. Always
The old boy is a Man and a Half.
At no point has he ever had to negotiate his manliness with anyone. He is the ultimate authority in his homestead. And he has achieved this by how meticulously he has planned his homestead. In his younger years he ruthlessly focused on his mission, planned his retirement early and organized his family like an Italian mafia don, without the crime bits, of course.
One thing is true: “if as a man you remain focused on your goals, steadfast in your ambition, and lead by example, everything else will fall into place. You will have no time to negotiate anything. Anything you want, you will get. No time for silly arguments. No time for childishness with anyone. Everyone knows what you stand for.
To be a man is to have values. To say what you mean and mean what you say. To treat everyone with respect and stand firm where you need to stand firm.
5. Thou Must Raise a Good Family
Not sure how this will work for our generation since almost half of us are already divorced or are going to be divorced. We may be forced to try a second or even third marriage. But the biggest responsibility you can have as a man is to raise a good family. Make sure your children can stand by and defend you in old age.
The working formula remains loving unconditionally, being firm, being disciplined, rewarding good behaviour, punishing bad behaviour proportionately, being present, and leading by example. And being a high-value man. And while at it, have some inheritance for the children. This doesn’t work sometimes, but better to err on the side of caution.
If you are divorced and going through the drama, be the bigger and wiser person. Time is always kind to men who remain true to themselves. Kids will
one day know the truth, certainly.
6. Thou Must Diversify in Life
In his prime, the old man was a teacher. He doubled up with a hardware business and a posho mill. On the side, he did moderately decent farming, mostly for subsistence. The little farm provided sufficient food for the family.
He did lease some other pieces of land for pyrethrum and maize farming and also grew napier grass for his dairy cows. With the various sources of income, it gave him the impetus to provide for his family. When it was time to pay for expensive college tuition for us, he was more than ready, because the businesses were flourishing.
It is a skill every man must have. Never depend on one income stream. But be patient, be prudent and trust the process even as you lay the foundation for your family. Do your research. The motive to look for profit sometimes blinds us. Profit is all good, but sometimes the reason to diversify is to stay afloat or to have something to fall back on during bad and hard times when you lose your job.
So, multiple streams of income. Always.
7. Thou Must be Resilient
The old man has lived a very transparent life. This has allowed us to see him through moments of strength and moments of weakness. But the most admirable quality for me has been his resilience. I remember a time when his businesses were not doing very well. He put on a brave face. Because he knew, he had invested in the right place, and it was a matter of time before he bounced back. Through his strategies, bouncing back is never a big deal for him. Because he is a shrewd thinker.
The last few years have not been the best for me, but I don’t know where I would be had I not picked that skill of resilience from him. You keep calm amidst all the storms, knowing God is in charge and the sun always rises. And you roll up your sleeves and start over again.
8. Thou Must Always Do Good
It is the old man who taught me to always do good, do what is right and carry on. To date, I wake up and go about my day trying to do what is right. Because I want to sleep at night in peace. I have seen friends who try mischief and the pain they put themselves and their loved ones in, and it is not funny.
9. Though Must Live Within Your Means
There is no commandment that the old boy drummed into me more than this:
“Never forget where you come from and don’t ever mix with the wrong crowds and think you are one of them…”.
Throughout high school and on campus, that was the only lesson he always reminded me, always. And it has saved my life. It is my generation of men who got it all wrong by opting for lifestyles they could never sustain due to peer pressure or their wives. I did make a few errors too, sadly.
And the cost of the errors has been enormous. But because I knew where I came from, I knew when and where I crossed the line and retraced my steps.
Young men must learn to live within their means and save for retirement.
10. Thou Must Plan Your Retirement
The old man retired two or three years before his official age of retirement.
But he had worked hard for it. He could get busy in his prime.
But his retirement life has been one of sheer envy. He does horticultural farming for fun, and spends his days in church worshipping and being of great service to the community.
It is a beautiful life if you can wake up to tend to your potatoes, come have lunch, sit to read your Bible or books, and then take a nap. The old boy literally dictates his life, and I can’t remember any single thing that can distract him from his schedule.
Bonus
Though Must Serve the Community.
Beyond the large extended family that he has raised, the old man has invested in the community a lot. He has helped build two churches, with a decent number of flock. He has invested a lot in the education of many young people in his village. Any time he hears of an opportunity, he is quick to refer someone. And with his generous heart, he remains a good philanthropist, not just materially, but even in terms of his wise counsel.
He helps people far and wide, and this love and generosity has been richly rewarded by a life of peace and honour. And several people in various corners of the world can raise their hands and say the old man played a great part in their lives. These are some of the things that made men of his generation great and admirable. We can learn something from him.
Think of an old man that you admire. Could be your father, uncle, or father figure. What traits do you admire the most in them?
Of course, we live under different times, circumstances, and context, but it is worth trying.
You can get this and more of my memos in my books, 50 Memos To Men Vol.1&2 from @NuriaStore
I think when a woman hurts a man, especially in a big way, most don't know or appreciate the extent to which they have hurt or damaged the man.
And this ignorance, wilful or otherwise, is what most men struggle to deal with after the fact.
You catch your wife flirting with some bearded, mannerless dude, and you confront her, and she turns it on you. Or blames the other guy. Or it is because you don't give her attention. She will circle around so many things rather than admit she is wrong. Most men in this situation get confused they apologise. But stay resentful. You catch her cheating, and she did it because she wanted to get revenge or some BS excuse.
You sacrifice a lot and pay for her college, and when done and now ready to move on with her life, she will become disrespectful, blame and accuse you of all manner of things before shoving you aside, so casually it scares and scars some men for life.
It pains most wronged men how women downplay their misdemeanours. Big and small.
Most women don't even see their mistakes as a big deal and always blame men, always thinking the man is overreacting.
Most men are left with very few choices. Some men can put up with the BS, but they die a slow and painful death. To know that someone wronged you, and you are powerless to do anything is the slowest, most painful death. Some men drink to the grave. Some depress themselves to the grave. Some men get violent and end up in jail. Or regretting. And some men are wise enough to gather the courage and walk away. And when they walk away, it shocks the women so bad they can't believe. Those with the ability to introspect can sit themselves down, and self-correct can change their ways, but this is the exception, not the rule. I notice most such women go on self-destruction mode.
More and more women need to pray to have the ability to look inward and have the ability to introspect, retrospect, and self-correct. And when on the wrong, learn to apologise and by God mean it and adjust accordingly. Due to female solipsism, a typical female apology is as useless as a politician's promise. And we talk about female solipsism in male spaces, yet it is women who need to understand how this core nature of their lives works against them.
As for men, I have written a million times, always have the balls to walk out of any BS in good time. I have told you to avoid broken and damaged people. Both men and women, that is.
You can't fix a broken person. Let them fight their own demons. Co-depedence can be addictive but we don't have all the time in the world.
My friend, a Kamba sage, told me the way out of this is to always date people with a high IQ.
"A woman with a high IQ will not cheat on you for the sake of it or for no reason. There are women who cheat, and they don't even know why they are cheating, and if you ask them, they wouldn't have a good answer," He told me over a pint.
A person with a high IQ will know better than do wrong, and when on the wrong will self-correct and thus, you will have far lesser conflicts.
If you are in a relationship where you spend a good chunk of the day solving BS or thinking about BS, then you are in a wrong relationship.
As a man, you have a job, a business, a hobby, and other things to do with your life than dealing with shit-tests.
Grow a pair and walk away, lest you kill yourself slowly, or waste so much time to salvage a situation that is beyond repair. And then she walks a way. If she is giving you a headache, just know down the line she will mostly leave, leaving you more abject and rejected. It is a fate worse than death. Women change when they want, not when a man wants them to change.
Don't romanticise or idealise your woman too much. There is room for love, admiration, and respect. And responsibility. But there must be equal reciprocity, respect, and love given back.
And no man or woman is coming to save you.
You are on your own.
Most of you are dealing with broken people, and you entertain their BS for far too long. It drains you and kills the good person in you.
Leave with some energy to try someone who can appreciate you.
And for men, just know when she wrongs you, if you think her mistake is like 💯 percent, just know she thinks it is like 10 percent and she strongly believes that you are being childish or overreacting. And she hates you being dramatic. She doesn't know the extent, the gravity, or the enormity of her mistake. She wants unconditional forgiveness and you to ignore so that she can do it again.
Son, you deserve better. Just open your eyes.
Don't succumb to the cynicism of the broken. Work hard. Love a woman. Call your friends. Say thank you more. Exercise. Learn more than you rage. You might scar, but that's how you'll learn. Apathy is stagnation; currency for the uninspired.
Memo No. 7 From The National Welfare Desk of Men
WHEN YOU ARE STUCK IN LIFE
{Long read. 7 minutes' read)
Every decade in a man’s life, there occurs a significant, often life-changing event. Few men are prepared for the surprises that life springs at them.
It can be the birth of your child in your 20s, a divorce in your 30s a death of a loved one in your 40s, or a confirmation of a lifestyle disease in your 50s. It doesn’t always follow this pattern.
Another constant feature in most men’s lives is best captured in Newton’s First Law of Motion: If a body is at rest or moving at a constant speed in a straight line, it will remain at rest or keep moving in a straight line at constant speed unless it is acted upon by an external force.
I am keen on the resting bit of the Law:
At some point in a man’s life, you will be stranded. You will be stationary for a considerable amount of time. Sometimes the stagnant bits recur periodically.
It happens when you lose your job and you are stuck at home, sometimes with no other source of income. So many men were caught in this phase during the Covid-19 pandemic. It happens when your business collapses due to the recession, or silly government policies, or the many men whose lives have been ruined by the unpaid projects that they already executed. It happens when there is a huge setback, like heartbreak, or a divorce. Sometimes it is a disease.
It is a period of great anxiety. The future is at best uncertain, and at worst super bleak. It can last from several months to several years. A friend recently commented in one of my posts that he lost his job in 2007, and it wasn’t until 2014 that he got his next better job, and in between he had to scrape through.
The stationary period in a man’s life is a time of transition, often to better things. And transitions are painful. The period makes men very vulnerable. Men like a predictable lifestyle. When faced with an uncertain future, they are predisposed to make bad judgments. The bad judgments come from the pressure of the family, the wife, or personal unmet expectations. What most men stuck in a transition soon realize, every decision or move they make invariably yields horrible results.
Partly because the moves are motivated by fear. And man, fear is extremely bad motivation for doing something. Men do things out of fear in the hope the outcome will be better. Only that hope is not a strategy.
A few years back, a friend was stuck in this phase. He had been sacked because of some fraudulent activity at their bank that he was involved in. He took his small savings and bought a second-hand matatu. He got all the necessary licenses for the matatu and hoped that since the matatus hit the road the first day, it could keep him afloat for the time being. Only to realize that weekly, the
cops made more from the matatu than he did, and constantly, he had to report
to Nairobi Area Traffic and part with a few thousands. The conductor and the driver were untrustworthy too. Soon he realised he was actually maintaining the matatu on the road out of pocket. He sold it for a loss.
He opened a Wines & Spirits and could not believe the amount of paperwork needed to open a kiosk where one sells cheap gins and vodkas. The fees paid to the multiple agencies that regulate the selling of liquor can bankrupt your savings. Soon he realized cops (again) have to collect tax daily, but even worse, he woke up a month after he had spent a fortune to soup up the kiosk to find the Kanjo had swept the makeshift containers away, along with the stock.
He was crushed.
As I said, when in a transition, every move you make seems to make things worse. It is like some spiritual warfare is going on in your world.
It is a period where you will be misunderstood, doubted by family and friends,
deserted by some, and gossiped a lot and it will hurt so bad. It is also a period of regrets. Of so many ‘what ifs?’. It is a period that needs the support of friends,
family, and an understanding spouse if you are married. The men who get support during this period, get out of it, better and stronger.
I saw a tweet where some woman said,
“Most women don’t have a problem with a broke man... they have a
problem with men who are comfortable being broke...”
And a gentleman replied to her, “No man is comfortable being broke, only
that sometimes it takes longer to get out of the rut, and few women have the
patience for that…”
Absolutely true.
The same applies to family and friends.
When you are in a state of inertia, as the first law of motion states, for you to move, there is a need for an external force. If the external force is negative (being pressured by those close to you to take the wrong job start a bad business, or move out of the country prematurely, it can be counterproductive.)
Sometimes the best way around this period is to do nothing at all. Sit it out as you weigh your options. Seek divine guidance if you are a believer.
The other alternative is to quit or give up on bad projects, like my friend who tried matatu business and the liquor store. Sometimes, don’t go with the sunken cost fallacy: where you want to carry on with the project because of the previously invested resources (money, time, and effort). Quit.
Inertia can also happen to guys who are doing well. You may have a job but are stuck in some rank with no promotion or salary increment. Sometimes you may have a good job and all, but you have a general dissatisfaction with it. You are not fulfilled. You loathe the job. Sometimes, it is your marriage.
You may become fatigued by your wife and even children. Suddenly, you are moody and withdrawn and you may even be violent towards your spouse.
At this level, you need wisdom to navigate the muddy patch where you are stuck. It is this time some men take the second wife, or some slay queen hoping to solve their boredom at home. It rarely cuts. It is this time that you hear some guy has quit some managerial job to set up a construction business or poultry farming, only to regret it six months later when he realises, poultry farming only sounds fancy in bar room talk, or on the farming pages of the Saturday newspaper. In reality, farmers are bleeding out here.
So, what do you do when you are stuck without a job, or a promotion, or bored with your marriage?
First, don’t do anything that can make a bad situation worse. If laid off, don’t squander your savings out of panic, trying to set up a business. Setting up a retail business in Kenya is expensive. By the time you are done paying for the licenses and painting the premises, you will be drained. The amount of goodwill being asked out here is crazy. If you have a job, don’t quit until you have a new one. If you are tired with your wife and children, don’t think a mistress or a second wife may make you happier. Maybe, find other meaningful distractions or keep some distance from your wife and kids as you work on how to rekindle your affection.
Secondly, sit it out. I can’t overemphasize this point. Sitting out is not inaction. You chill and monitor the situation as you wait to cash in on opportunities that will pay off. You can apply for jobs and find other things to do to put food on the table but avoid foolish, impulsive moves motivated by panic and fear. Understand it may take a while before you can be back on your feet again. Communicate with those who care about your situation to get their support or understanding.
Thirdly, stay sober. Don’t get into alcohol or drugs. When stuck, you can be idle and desperate, a very toxic combination for anyone. This is the stage where some men let go of themselves. Don’t. Use the period for self-improvement.
Read good books. Watch good movies. Travel if you can afford it. Try your hobbies. Stay on course. Actively, look for solutions for your present predicament.
Fourth, even when you are sitting it out, look for opportunities and be proactive. This is when you decide to switch careers, move out of the country, move out of a big city, anything that can work without jeopardizing your life some more. But do so when you are certain.
Whatever you do, just have a sense of awareness of what is going on. And whatever move you make, make sure, it is driven by a positive external force.
Only that can push you in the right direction. If you act out of fear, peer pressure, or your impulses, you may find yourself being conned or wasting money on projects that will not take off.
Stop and reflect on where you are. If presently stuck, relax, and be smart about your choices for the next move. You can take risks, from time to time, but let them be calculated. Understand as a man, you have to go through these periodic episodes of being stationary. Search for the right push out of that rut. It makes a ‘huuuuge’ difference.
TOROKA UJE...
Pale Mishomoroni nilikuwa naishi kwa single room ilkuwa tu na mattress, jiko ya makaa, na vyombo kadhaa, usiulize nguo nilikuwa nafua wapi. Bana irregardless of my poverty lifestyle I used to bag high end shawties alaf nawafinyia in that small kingdom...
@AllBlacks Admin Rieko Ioane
Ladies, normalize gifting ur men simple things like packs of quality underwear, handkerchiefs, neckties, socks, etc; These are basic things a lot of men need but barely buys for themselves. Most men don't even care about expensive stuffs, all they need is ur care & no drama.
Word 👌🏾
You’ll achieve so much when you finally realize the universe is forcing you to be alone so you can start depending on yourself & remove unhealthy attachments you place on people. It’s time to start putting all that energy back into yourself and becoming the best version of you.
Her first man didn’t pay anything, he got it for free when goods were of high quality, but you the 7th wants to pay dowry. It’s better to be an insane person than to be a blue pilled man.
If you would like to join the finance sector in Kenya, here are some problems that you can try to solve:
1/ Organize Chamas.
If you ask around, almost everyone belongs to one or two chamas.
But most of these are disorganized and poorly managed.
Your workmates are not your friends. Everyone is there for an income. Where Money is involved, Men betray Men. Do not be mouthy. Do your work and go home!
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